Draw the Line
by Magdelen
Summary: In a hospital there are clearcut rules and guidelines to follow but in real life the lines are easily blurred. Addison and Alex cross a line and things get complicated. Yes, my poor wounded Addisex heart is still beating.
1. The Crowning Pinnacle of Stupidities

Please Note:

a) This is my first fic. Please Review but be kind.

b) These characters are not mine. I borrowed them from Grey's Anatomy.

c) I also borrowed a lot of the plot for first couple chapters from Grey's Anatomy.

d) I don't like too much exposition. If you're reading this I assume you have some knowledge of Grey's characters' histories.

e) I'm not going to get into stuff from the show if it's not important to this story ie. Alex's residual Izzie feelings. I'm trying to keep it simple.

Chapter One: The Crowning Pinnacle of Stupidities

"Stupid. Stupid. And in front of all those people. Anyone might have seen." Lying awake in her bed Addison marveled at her own idiocy. What on earth had possessed her? He was Alex Karev. It was... stupid.

He was he intern, her subordinate. It was completely inappropriate. Was she really so lonely that the first person who said something nice to her... God, she hoped not. Ever since her divorce she had been feeling a little desperate for human companionship. Still, that wasn't enough to make her do what she'd done, and at a bar, in front of dozens of people. Was it? She couldn't help considering that there was something more to it. Now that she was alone she could think about it logically but when she was around him she seemed to loose her capacity for rational thought. Instead she got this feeling, this subtle feeling that had been going barely noticed for the weeks that they had been working together. Barely noticed that is, until her ridiculous outburst a week ago.

"Your a decent person, Alex. I'd hate to see Mark Sloan beat it out ot you." Why had she said that? She was Dr. Addison Montgomery. She didn't say things like that to interns let alone mediocre interns like Karev. But she _had_ said it and since then she hadn't been able to stop thinking about that feeling. It was like a sense of dread, of apprehension. It was almost like a premonition, a premonition that she was about to do something incredibly... stupid.

Addison sighed. Thinking about all this was driving her crazy. She could tell she was not going to get much sleep tonight, knew that once she got going like this she would lie awake thinking for hours. "Why did I say that? Why did I say that?" Of course the "decent person" speech wasn't the worst of it. There was also the incident in the nursery and... She stopped herself. She didn't even want to think about what had happened tonight. But the nursery she couldn't get out of her head. She couldn't get over how... stupid she had been all because of six simple words.

"Because he was rude to you." It had been so unexpected. She was paralyzed by it, felt her breath catch in her throat. All she could think was _what am I supposed to say? _But she couldn't move, couldn't breath and his face seemed so close to hers. When she looked into his eyes she was even less prepared for what she saw there: _tenderness, longing even but no fear._ He didn't seem embarrassed. She was terrified. This was her intern and he was looking at her like... like... Then they were both leaning in and... the door to the nursery slammed open startling them. She found herself apologizing profusely, felt ridiculous, flustered, couldn't stop saying,

"I'm sorry."

He seemed shaken too and fled the room leaving her dizzy and confused. Had she actually wanted to kiss him? Where was her self control? The last thing she needed right now was to be kissing interns. She told herself to get a grip, to forget about it but, although their lips had not actually met, she could still feel his breath on her face and wondered what might have happened if they hadn't been interrupted. All she was certain of was that she had been the first to pull away. At least there was that. She was his superior. It was her responsibility to draw the line, to make it clear that it couldn't happen again.

"Draw the line," Addison thought wryly and glanced at her alarm clock. She was dismayed to see that it was already 4: 20 in the morning. "Did I draw the line tonight at the bar?" No she had not drawn the line.

Instead she had kissed him. The crowning pinnacle of stupidities. The stupid cherry on the colossal ice-cream sundae of stupidness that was her stupid, stupid life. She had kissed her intern, despite the speeches she had made about maintaining professionalism. She had assured him that the incident in the nursery had been entirely her fault although he seemed skeptical of that. She had promised him that it would not happen again and then she had kissed him.

Addison sighed and rolled over in bed. "Stupid. Stupid. And in front of all those people. Anyone might have seen." She was right back where she had started. It was going to be a very long night.


	2. Was She Sloshed?

Please Note: I do not own these characters. They belong to Grey's Anatomy.

Chapter Two: Was She Sloshed?

The flutter of her lashes, the exact shape of her mouth, the smell of her perfume, these were only a few of the things Alex Karev could recall from that moment in the nursery, when he had come so close to kissing Addison. Of course what stood out more were the other, less pleasant details. The thing he remembered most of all was the look of dismay on her face as he leaned towards her. Not to mention her obvious horror at what had almost happened. She had apologized excessively. She had told him it would not happen again. After these speeches what she had done next had been completely unexpected.

She had kissed him. Earlier that night. A kiss so gentle it hurt. Alex glanced at his alarm clock. It was 4:20 in the morning. He had been lying awake, reliving that kiss for hours. As much as he needed to sleep he just couldn't get it out of his head, couldn't stop feeling her touch on his face, the softness of her lips against his own. He could still smell her, still taste her, still see her if he closed his eyes. He had wanted to pull her to him, to feel her body against his, had wanted to return her caress, stroke her face, her neck, run his fingers through her hair. Instead he had frozen, amazed by what was happening to him. He couldn't believe she was kissing him after everything she'd said. Then, when the all too brief kiss had ended she had looked exactly like he felt... confused.

"What did it mean?" he wondered. "Was she sloshed?" He remembered a glass in her hand, a subtle hint of alcohol on her breath but she hadn't seemed drunk and the bar tender had assured him she'd had only the one drink. Maybe the kiss was her own bizarre way of telling him she was sorry she was so completely out of his league. Maybe she just didn't know what she wanted. Alex sighed. Unfortunately he knew exactly what he wanted and it didn't look like he was about to get it, at least not on his own terms, anytime soon.

He couldn't figure out exactly what it was that had made him start to want Addison. Originally he hadn't even been that attracted to her. Sure she was hot, but she wasn't exactly his type. Then there was the fact that when they first met she had been married to Shepard, who he strongly disliked. She was also considerably older than him and taller than him too when she wore certain shoes. None of these things seemed to matter anymore. Instead it was the little things, not immediately visible beneath the height and the gorgeous hair, that began to matter. The way she bit her lower lip when she concentrated. Her wrists and delicate collarbones. Somehow over the course of their professional relationship Addison had become breathtakingly beautiful.

It wasn't just about beauty either. He didn't just want to have sex with her. It was about the way she made him feel. Lessons that would have seemed intolerably condescending coming from Burke or Shepard or any of the other surgeons didn't seem so coming from her. He realized that she was probably the only person at the hospital he was close to. He had admitted things to her that he had never admitted to anyone else. The reasons behind his interest in plastics. That he wasn't just some evil spawn only interested in making money. It felt good to open up to her and even better to see the certain way she smiled when he revealed something about himself that she hadn't expected from him. He found himself trying to make her smile like that more often, a crooked smile, one eye squinting slightly more than the other. He told himself that she wouldn't smile like that for no reason. That it had to mean something to her too because for him it was breathlessness. It was a whirling in the pit of his stomach like standing too close to the edge of a cliff and staring over into the abyss. It was exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. He didn't like to think of himself as the type of guy to let a woman affect him like that but he couldn't deny that Addison affected him, couldn't deny that breathless feeling.

He'd had the same feeling while kissing her and it had frozen him. For a brief moment he'd thought it might actually mean something. But what she'd said next had cured him of that. He could tell it was coming from the look of confusion on her face but he couldn't do anything to stop it. He had wanted to tell her,

"Don't say it Addison. I know you're going to say it but you don't have to say it. It's not what I want to hear. All I want is for you to kiss me and not regret it," but he couldn't get the words out. She was the first to speak and she said what he'd been dreading,

"Im sorry Alex." Then she had left the bar.


	3. He Was Making a Scene

Please Note: The characters- not mine.

Wow. So far people actually seem to be liking this. Maybe I should take back what I said about keeping reviews kind. Some constructive criticism would actually be apreciated right now. Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed. It makes me want to keep writing.

I have rough drafts written for chapters four, five and part of six so check back frequently because they should be up soon.

I have absolutely no problem with people advertising this story on forums etc. I want as many people to read this as possible. So... Now that we've established that I have no shame...

Chapter Three: He was Making a Scene

"When you get a minute, I'd like to talk about the kissing." Alex Karev's voice rang across the crowded pit. Addison froze. She had been dreading this, had been avoiding Alex all day precisely because she did not want to talk about the kissing. She wanted to forget about it, to pretend it had never happened. She certainly did not want to go anywhere alone with Alex Karev. She was afraid of what might happen if he looked at her like he had that day in the nursery. It seemed to make her loose all control. She had arrived at the hospital that morning with every intention of making herself clear to him. She had been prepared to draw the line and draw it firmly... but the second she was in the door he flashed her a cocky smile and immediately she felt her resolve melting, felt the beginnings of that nagging feeling that she was once again about to do the unthinkable.

He was driving her crazy. The idea that she had spent half her day avoiding an intern was completely ridiculous. Still that didn't change the fact that she had ducked into the women's bathroom when she saw him coming down that hall or that she had chosen to sit as far as possible from him at lunch simply because she assumed it would be physically impossible to accidentally kiss him from across the cafeteria. It was pathetic but he had made her question her self control, something she had previously had such confidence in. She hated him for it and now he was making a scene.

"I'd like to talk about the kissing." The words practically echoed through the building. He might as well have broadcast them over the intercom. By noon tomorrow the entire hospital would be talking about this and the last thing she needed was another rumor about her personal life circulating the halls of Seattle Grace. She wished Alex would stop staring at her like that. It made her squirm. He wasn't the only one who was staring either. Addison could feel dozens of pairs of eyes fixed on her. She felt naked.

This couldn't be happening. She wasn't ready to handle it. She hadn't slept a wink last night and she couldn't deal with something like this on so little sleep. The only thing keeping her going at the moment was the caffeine coursing through her system from the five cups of coffee she'd slurped since breakfast. Alex was still staring at her intensely. She wanted to hit him, could imagine marching across the room and smashing the chart she was holding into his big fat mouth but his expression suddenly softened and he spoke again,

"Doctor Montgomery?" His voice was almost pleading. She shot him an irate glance, slammed her chart onto the counter and stalked away.

Alex swore under his breath. How long was she going to keep avoiding him? He had come to work expecting a confrontation, some opportunity to be alone with Addison. Instead she had blatantly shunned him all day. As he watched her departing figure across the pit Alex's desperation hardened into resolve. He was not going to let her get away that easily. He started after her and broke into a jog. By the time he drew near to her a plan of sorts was forming in his head. It involved himself, Dr. Montgomery and an empty supply closet.

Addison was still fuming from the incident in the pit when Alex caught up with her. She felt him grab her by the arm and heard him whisper,

"Doctor Montgomery, we need to talk." Before she could utter any one of the furious thoughts running through her head he had forcefully steered her into an empty supply closet and shut the door.

Chapter Four: In Deep


	4. In Deep

So, I sort of feel like I've gotten into the characters' brains enough for now and will probobly focus on plot for the next few chapters. Please let me know if you have a problem with this. Keep reading and reviewing s'il vous plait.

Chapter Four: In Deep

Addison turned to face Alex Karev and her apprehension vanished. Despite the fact that she was utterly alone in a supply closet with an intern she had recently kissed she found herself feeling completely in control. For once she didn't feel as if she was about to do something stupid. She felt angry and there was no room for anything else.

"Listen to me," she began and prepared to launch into a blistering tirade against Alex's outburst in the pit. She was rudely interrupted.

"No, you listen to me!" Alex almost spat. "You kissed me right? You kissed me and ever since you've been avoiding me."

Addison felt her rage subside. This was not what she had expected. She tried to gather herself, felt she was loosing her last chance to say her piece but Alex wasn't finished.

"You've been avoiding me because you just assumed I want you. You just expect that everyone you look at sideways is pining after you, right? Has it ever occurred to you that maybe I'm not that interested?"

It was like a slap in the face. Addison was horrified to feel tears welling in her eyes. The shock of hearing Alex say he wasn't interested paled in comparison to the shock of her emotional response to the news. Of course it hadn't occurred to her. She had just assumed...

"You're not interested...," she managed to whisper.

"You think I want to be just another intern sleeping with their attending?" Alex continued in softer tones.

Addison was utterly bewildered. She had expected to have to put up some sort of a fight, expected something entirely different from Alex.

"You... you kissed me back," she protested.

Alex shrugged. "You're my boss. What did you expect me to do?"

Addison was no longer listening. She was dimly aware that Alex was asking to scrub in on her surgeries, was asking that they continue their relationship on a purely professional level. His last words were,

"It happened but it doesn't have to happen again."

"Alright," she assented weakly as he left the room. Her entire universe seemed to have condensed into a tight knot of shock and hurt. She hadn't expected this hurt. Worst of all Alex had said the things she should have said before any of this ever happened. He had drawn the line and she hadn't. It was an unbearably painful realization. No. Not painful. It didn't hurt. It was humiliating but it didn't hurt. There was a distinct and piercing difference. It was something else that hurt.

As he left the supply room Alex felt incredibly relieved. It had gone much better than he had expected. He had gotten off remarkably easy for the incident in the pit and had managed to save a great deal of face. Things would go on as they had before with Addison. There was no reason to tell her how he felt. Alex was in deep but he still had his pride and Dr. Montgomery obviously wasn't interested in him. Her avoidance and apologies had made that abundantly clear. What ever had possessed her to kiss him, she was clearly over it by now.


	5. Dude A Term of Endearment?

Well I hope this chapter lives up to everyones' expectations. I don't really know if I like it or not so reviews would be helpful.

Chapter Five: Dude- A Term of Endearment?

_Focus. Focus. _Addison willed herself to concentrate. She could not afford to give her attention to anything other than the tiny baby on the operating table in front of her. The surgery had dragged on for hours and her thoughts were starting to wander. Worse still a dull, pounding headache throbbed within her skull and her whole body ached with fatigue. The effects of another sleepless night were taking a heavy toll on her.

_Why does it matter? He's not even your type. You're letting a lousy, stuck up intern keep you awake at night. _Addison flinched internally. She could not be thinking about Alex. She fixed her eyes on the small body she was operating on and tried not to feel him watching her. The baby was in bad shape. Addison hoped it would make it through. She took several deep breaths, collected herself and began to finish off the delicate procedure.

Suddenly alarms sounded on several of the monitors attached to the baby. Without warning the body cavity began to fill with blood. Addison struggled to identify the source of the bleeding but instinctually knew it was hopeless. The baby was bleeding out. Within seconds it was dead. Shattered, Addison dropped her surgical implements onto a nearby tray and began to peel off her reddened gloves. She heard Karev call the time of death from behind her as she wearily exited the O.R.

The tears Addison was too tired to hold in poured down her face in sobs, relentlessly shaking her shoulders. It was too much. The death of the baby, the parents' grief, everything that had happened with Alex, it was just too much to handle. Realizing she was about to breakdown in front of coworkers, Addison had found an empty examination room, closed the door, cut the lights and dissolved into tears. Curled tightly on an uncomfortable chair she hugged her legs to her chest, pressed her forehead against her knees and attempted to at least cry quietly. She didn't cry quite quietly enough. A beam of light slid across the room as the door slowly cracked open and a soft voice whispered,

"Addison? Are you o.k?" Addison lifted her head and shot the intruder a venomous glare. It was Alex Karev.

"Yes. I'm fine," she retorted. "Just leave me alone Karev."

"Dude, you're not fine," Alex scoffed. He stepped inside the exam room and closed the door, making sure it locked behind him. Addison certainly didn't need anyone else coming in and finding her like this. Her hair was a mess, clinging to the sides of her tearstained face and her eyes were dark and puffy from crying. She was deathly pale and her mascara was smudged but somehow she still looked beautiful... and angry.

"What do you want Karev? I asked you to leave me alone."

"I just want to know what's wrong." Alex chose his words carefully. "Is it the baby? Because that was not your fault. You did everything right. It just happened." Addison shook her head.

"No. It's not the baby. I've been doing this job a long time. I can't afford to get upset about dead babies," she said bitterly.

Alex was startled by her choice of words. "Then what's the problem?" he muttered. He was completely unprepared for her reply.

"You! You're my problem!" Addison spat. She could tell she was about to say something stupid, could feel her emotions rising above her composure. "I mean what is wrong with you? One minute you're this wonderful, sweet, coffee sabotaging person and the next minute you're insulting me in a supply closet. You drive me crazy. I just want to stop thinking about you but..." Addison gulped, realizing she had said too much.

"Go. Just go," she sighed wearily. Alex didn't move.

"I said get out," she pleaded but Alex was already moving towards her. Her legs trembled weakly as he closed the gap between them and she collapsed into a chair, hands draped limply on her knees. Alex was suddenly leaning over her, his arms planted on either side of her, resting on the arms of the chair. He brought his face to within an inch of hers and when she voiced no protest leaned forward and softly kissed her lips. He didn't stop there.


	6. The Moment of Truth

O.k. For those of you who asked for longer chapters, this one is a couple hundred words more than the others have been. Don't get used to it though. The main reason it is so long is because it was insanely difficult to write so I didn't have the patience to pare it down.

Just to give you an idea of what I went through writing this: Originally the entire chapter was written from Addison's point of view. Then I rewrote it as a sort of half and half thing and then I rewrote it again entirely from Alex's point of view.

Reviews would be a nice way to reward me for all that hard work and so far people have been great about reviewing so keep it up. Here it is:

Chapter Six: The Moment of Truth

For a moment he thought Addison might pull away, but she didn't flinch and he soon felt her dissolving into the kiss. Slipping his fingers into her hair he tilted her face up to his and felt her lips part beneath his own. He couldn't believe she was kissing him back. In less than a minute she had conveyed a spectrum of emotions ranging from misery to anger to this. He hoped he wasn't taking advantage of her but her words echoed in his head. I just want to stop thinking about you... thinking about you... He realized she had never finished her sentence but it was enough to know that he was on her mind and to taste her lips again. He gently nudged his tongue into her mouth, tangled his fingers in her hair.

He could feel her breathing getting shallower and pulled back to let her catch her breath. Without the light from the open door, he'd had the presence of mind to close it behind him, he could barely make out her face, lips swollen, eyes glimmering in the darkness. He noted however, that her hands were still draped uselessly on her knees, reminding him of how he had frozen when she kissed him in the bar. It was incredibly satisfying to see her so immobilized and he leaned in to kiss her again.

Suddenly her hands left her knees and she grasped the collar of his scrubs. He dragged her to her feet, felt her arms snake around his neck and her body press against his as she kissed him fiercely. His needed no further encouragement. Addison was in his arms. Nothing else mattered.

There was a frantic urgency to their movements. Addison fumbled with unbuttoning her shirt while Alex unclasped her skirt and slid it down over her hips. Both garments slithered to the floor simultaneously and joined the growing pile of clothes that by now included his shirt, her lab coat and both of their pagers.

As he helped her step out of her skirt and lifted her onto the examination table Alex searched Addison's face for signs of doubt. In the darkness it was all but unreadable. He almost wished he had turned the lights on when he entered the room, but not quite. He was afraid of what he might see if he looked into Addison's eyes. If she regretted this he didn't want to know.

They didn't speak. Neither could think beyond their immediate need to get nearer, fit closer, feel deeper, kiss harder, taste more, hold on tight.

Afterwards there was a moment before either of them had breath to speak when Alex trailed his fingers over Addison's skin and watched a bead of sweat roll slowly off her shoulder. He waited for his breathing to return to normal. The sex had been intensely passionate and had left him completely exhausted. Beside him Addison, staring silently at the ceiling, looked equally fatigued. He remembered her raking her fingernails across his stomach just hard enough to send shivers through his body and leave faint red scratches on his skin. It was an incredibly hot memory but it didn't compare to simply lying next to Addison and watching her breath. He would have been happy to lie like that forever, or at least a little longer but Addison suddenly plucked his hand from her skin and slipped off the table. She wordlessly began gathering her clothes and he sighed and reached for his boxers.

They dressed in silence. As his thought process returned to normal Alex began to wonder what had happened and what exactly it meant. It worried him that she wasn't speaking. She wasn't looking at him either. He felt an overwhelming desire to hold her against his chest and stroke her hair again. He wanted to whisper to her, what? That she was beautiful? That he thought about her... constantly? It suddenly occurred to him that while she had confessed to at least thinking about him, he hadn't said a word about his feelings for her. She had let down her defenses and he had kept his mouth shut. He realized that if this was going to work out the way he wanted it to he should say something and say it soon. He was about to speak when Addison drew a long shuddering breath and broke the silence.

"Oh my god," she whispered.

"I know. That was pretty amazing," he replied hesitantly, hoping he'd guessed her meaning. He hadn't.

"No. Oh my god, Alex. How did this happen?" There was weariness and a hint of panic in her voice. "I thought you didn't want to be just another intern sleeping with your attending."

"I don't," he found himself saying. This was the moment of truth. God, Karev, don't blow it now. It suddenly occurred to him how easy it would he to just leave it at that and pretend nothing had ever happened. Her back was to him again. She was straightening her skirt. He wouldn't even have to see her face, wouldn't have to know if she was disappointed, or hurt, or worse indifferent. How badly did he really want Addison? Bad enough to tell her how he felt? Yeah... that badly.

"I mean, I don't want to be just sleeping with you," he continued. "This isn't just about sex for me."

A barely perceptible sigh slumped her shoulders before she turned to face him, drawing herself up to her full height. Suddenly there was no trace of the frantic, emotional Addison he had found minutes earlier, huddled in the dark with tears in her eyes. Suddenly she was Doctor Addison Montgomery, the woman who never lost control.

"Don't say that Alex," she said evenly. There was a hard edge to her words. "This doesn't have to mean anything." There was a long and agonizing pause before her eyes hardened, a cruel smile twisted her lips and she added, "It happened but it doesn't have to happen again."

His own words, from the supply closet. It was the cruelest thing she could have said and he could tell she knew it. She was glaring at him defiantly a slight smile still on her lips and fire in her eyes. Suddenly he was angry. She was above him. They both knew it. She was out of his league, but she had no right to toy with him like this.

"You said you couldn't stop thinking about me," he whispered icily. "I heard you say it. Are you just going to pretend that didn't happen?"

He expected her to falter but she didn't miss a beat and once again his own words left her lips and tore into him.

"What did you expect me to do?"

"This is so fucked up." He was glad he could at least pretend to be angry about it when really he was hurt and confused. He stalked past her on his way from the room and met her gaze with an angry glare. She didn't flinch, didn't turn to watch him leave. Her back was still to him as he softly closed the door.

...

O.k. Hopefully you don't all hate Addison too much at the moment because I intend to explain her feelings later on. She comes off pretty bitchy here but I hope you'll be able to sympathize with her in the end.

Well I couldn't just let them get together, now could I? That would have been incredibly boring. Don't worry though. This is not going to be one of those fics that drags on forever. I have a definate idea of how I'm going to end it. In case you haven't noticed so far the only two characters have been Alex and Addison. Well that is about to change. The next chapter is from Mark's point of view and should be up in a few days. I will also be bringing in some Derek and a tiny little bit of Christina, George, Merideth and maybe Izzie.

Feelings of inadequicy about having only one story posted along with incredible amounts of frustration with writting this chapter have led me to do a couple oneshots and start working on some other stories. I'll probobly have them up in the next couple of days so check them out.

O.k. That's all for now.


	7. Why do I Keep Hurting People?

**Short chapter. I appologize. Please review.**

Chapter Seven: Why do I Keep Hurting People?

Mark Sloan's hand hovered over the exam room doorknob. He told himself to just walk away. He wasn't even that sure he'd heard anything and even if he had it wasn't any of his business. He had enough problems of his own to deal with. He was about to walk off when he heard it again, a wavering sigh, someone crying. He cracked the door open and peered into the room.

"Shit, Addie. What happened?" She was slumped against the wall, legs and arms splayed awkwardly as if she had collapsed, face wet with tears.

"I don't want to talk about it." Her voice was hollow.

"Well, I'm not leaving until you talk to me Addison. Something obviously happened here."

"I can't... I..." Addison drew a long shuddering breath and leaned her head back against the wall, meeting his gaze for the first time. The look in her eyes was a painful reminder of the day she had told him she wouldn't be having his baby, a fusion of guilt and anguish.

"Why do I keep hurting people?" she whispered.

"Look Addie," Mark crossed the room and knelt in front of her. "If you tell me what happened maybe I can try to-"

"I did a terrible, hurtful thing, Mark." The words tumbled from her mouth. "I did a terrible, hurtful thing which really is only the last in a long line of terrible, hurtful things I have been doing since the first terrible, hurtful thing I did, which, incase you've forgotten, was sleeping with you. So really, I don't think you're the person to help me feel better about this."

She was right and he knew it. There was too much baggage. Things between them could never be the same as they'd been before. Before the baby or before they'd been anything but friends. Still, he couldn't stop caring about her. She was Addison, the only woman he'd ever come close to loving and she needed his help.

"Look Addison, I know I'm pretty much personally responsible for ruining your life but if you give me a chance to actually be a good friend for once I'll..." He couldn't think of a way to finish the sentence. The words were meaningless anyway. They both knew that the last time he'd come to her as a friend was the night they'd first slept together, the night that had destroyed her marriage, his friendship with Derek and any right he'd had to her trust. The last thing he expected was for her to actually open up to him.

"Your not a bad friend Mark. Besides, nobody's better at ruining my life than me... I slept with Alex Karev." The last words were a barely audibly whisper but they certainly affected him. He couldn't deny feeling a rush of jealousy at the thought of Addison with another man.

"When?" He suddenly found himself capable of speaking solely in monosyllables.

"Just now." She bit her lip before adding, "On the exam table." and heaving a defeated sigh.

"How did that happen?" Mark struggled to detach himself, to ignore the feelings he knew he shouldn't be having.

"I don't know. It doesn't matter. Mark, I think he has feelings for me." There was a discernable level of panic in Addison's voice now. "He said he didn't want to just be sleeping with me. He said it was about more than just sex for him. I... I..."

"Jesus. What'd you say to that?" He wished he didn't need to know so badly. It wasn't his business who Addison slept with or how emotionally involved she became. It wouldn't change the fact that they were over and right now Addison needed him as a friend.

"I threw it back in his face," she whispered.

He was relieved until he saw the tears gathering in her eyes.

"I actually made a conscious decision to do it in the cruelest way possible." She was fighting not to cry now. "I... I..." she stammered, . "I told him it wasn't going anywhere and I don't even know if I didn't want it to."

"Addison, he's your intern."

"I know!"

She collapsed against his chest, sobbing heavily. He wrapped her in his arms and let her cry.

**Next chapter: Mark takes Addison to his apartement. You will also get a little bit of Derek. I am trying to bring in more characters.**


	8. Heartless

**I have four notes on this chaper:**

**1. It's another chapter from Mark's point of view. I find it very interesting to write from his perspective. Review and tell me how you think I did.**

**2. After last chapter, some people seem to be a little concerned that Addison will end up with Mark. That is called creating suspense. In order to maintail that suspense I am not going to tell you if Addison ends up with Mark or Alex or neither. If you absolutely need to know, say so in your review and I will send you and email.**

**3. Please review. I will love you if you do. Although I will love you anyway as long as you read my story. Still my love will increase exponentially in proportion to the amount of reviewing you do. **

**4. Since there has been a lack of Addisex in here for a while I have written a oneshot with them and some other characters. See my profile. **

Chapter Eight: Heartless

"O.k. Addie. It's o.k. Shhh." He could do this. He could be her friend. Her face was still buried in the now damp fabric of his shirt but she had finally stopped crying and her breathing was returning to normal. "Are you ready to go yet?" She nodded.

They'd been driving ten minutes before she even asked him where they were headed.

"I'm taking you to my place. I can cook you something and you can get cleaned up-"

"Mark, you don't have to do that." She always had to be strong.

"It's o.k. I want to do it. You probably shouldn't be alone tonight anyway. You've had a rough day."

"Yeah, well I have a lot of rough days and I get through them alright on my own."

"You shouldn't have to. Everyone needs friends Addison."

"So you really think we can be just friends?" She almost laughed and he chose to take it as a good sign.

"Yeah, I really do."

He hoped he was telling the truth.

As they entered his apartment and he leaned towards her to take her coat he noticed the smell. Addison's clothes, her hair, her skin. It all smelled like sex. He told her to go ahead and use his shower and said he would take care of the laundry. As she handed him her clothing from behind the shower curtain he glimpsed subtle, pink marks, sprinkled across her shoulder and remembered how soft her skin was there. He tried not to think about it, or the other marks Karev had left on her. He knew there would be marks. Addison had always bruised easily.

Most of the clothes needed to be washed by hand. He did it right away in the bathroom sink and told himself that is was because they needed to be dry by tomorrow, not because he wanted the smell off them as soon as possible. He told himself his motives were pure.

He changed his sheets and hung a pair of pajamas and some fresh towels on the bathroom door. Then he phoned Derek. Partly to distract himself from the fact that Addison was currently naked in his shower. Partly because if he could talk to Derek while Addison was in his apartment then it seemed more like he was just being a good friend. He was concerned and nothing more. Still he found himself skirting the issue.

"What do you do when you have a friend, who's a girl, and she's upset?" he began.

"You mean like a girlfriend?" Derek sounded skeptical.

_Just tell him_. "Like an Addison."

"Mark, you actually want me to give you advice on Addison? You actually thought I'd be o.k. with that?"

"Come on Derek. I'm not asking for me. This is about her o.k. I actually do care about her you know."

"If you cared about her you'd probably leave her alone. She doesn't need you hurting her again, Mark."

"Well she needs someone to look after her right now Derek and since it's obviously not going to be you I guess once again, I'll have to be your stand in." He probably shouldn't have said that. There were sensitive issues attached to a phrase like that. Derek was silent for a minute, trying not to get angry? Then he sighed.

"Make banana, chocolate chip pancakes. You have to sit her down and make her eat because she'll say she's not hungry."

"Thanks, Derek." He meant it. He probably could have figured the pancakes out on his own but he needed to have Derek's approval. If he had Derek's approval it seemed o.k. to lend Addison his pajamas and let her sleep in his bed and to kiss her just once on the top of the head, after she fell asleep and before he crashed on the couch.

In the middle of the night Addison shook him awake.

"What am I going to do tomorrow?" She sounded scared again.

"Don't worry, I'll ask Bailey to stick him with me for a while," he offered, struggling not to fall asleep.

"It's not his job to run errands or get you coffee."

"O.k," he yawned.

Addison sat silently at the foot of the couch for a long time. He had almost drifted back to sleep when she spoke again.

"Do you think he hates me?" she whispered.

"I don't know. Maybe," was really all he could manage to say.

"I guess that's probably for the best."

"Probably."

"Mark, how did I become this person?"

"What person?"

She didn't seem to hear him.

"I think it's the job. When you have a scalpel in your hand it's like your not even human. I never used to be this heartless."

His best response to the pain in her voice was to wrap her in his arms again. He had always expressed himself most easily through physical actions.

"You're not heartless," he mumbled into her hair.

"Do you know what I said to Meredith Grey? The first thing I said to her?"

"What?"

"You must be the woman who's been fucking my husband."

**So, Addison pretty much hates herself at the moment. Mark is finding it difficult to "draw the line" between friendship and love (hahaha I am so clever), and we still haven't seen too much of Alex's reaction to what happened between him and Addie. Well, that is about to change. The next chapter is a conversation between Alex... and George... and Izzie... and Christina... and Meredith! So many characters! I am very excited. It should be up in a couple days. By the way, if you chose to review let me know what you think of this "Next Time on Draw the Line" thing I've been doing.**


	9. What am I Supposed to Think?

**Characters besides Addison and Alex! Please review and tell me if you think I got them right.**

**By the way I have started a new story (Falling Apart). Its Addison and angsty and going to be very interesting in my humble oppinion. See my profile, read it and then tell me what you think.**

* * *

Chapter Nine: What am I Supposed to Think?

"Whoa, Evil Spawn, what's wrong with you? You look like someone ran over your puppy." Alex sighed. Of course, he could count on Christina to call him on his bad mood. He dropped his lunch tray onto the table, taking a seat between George and Izzie.

The others, George, Izzie, Meredith, had probably noticed his mood as well but he guessed they liked him well enough to leave the issue alone. Christina on the other hand... If she picked up on a weakness she wouldn't let it drop. She was competitive. He was competitive too so couldn't fault her on that, but he certainly wasn't obliged to answer her.

"Nothing's wrong." He didn't make it sound too convincing.

"Is Sloan being a jerk?" Izzie asked.

"No, Sloan's actually being decent. He's letting me scrub in on a free tissue transplant."

"_Microsurgery?_ You get to scrub in on _microsurgery_?" Christina spluttered.

"Yeah, it's kind of weird."

"Sloan's letting you scrub in? That is weird," George agreed.

"No, what's weird is your not being excited about it. I would kill to get in on that!"

Normally, the hint of jealousy in Christina's voice would have put him in a good mood but he wasn't thinking about the surgery. He had other things on his mind. Addison. He couldn't stop thinking about what had happened yesterday in the exam room, about what she'd said, about how it was probably more than coincidence that he wasn't on her service today.

"Yeah well...ah..."

"O.k. Not that I really care, but something is obviously wrong with you Evil Spawn. So just spit it out and we'll deal with it and then we can talk about something else."

He wished it could be dealt with as easily as Christina suggested. He wished he could just put it aside. After the things she'd said to him he shouldn't have a problem with that, shouldn't have a problem with hating Addison. At the moment maybe he even _did_ hate her, but there had to be more to it than that. Because if he hated her then he should be happy for this opportunity. He should be happy for the chance to put it all behind him, draw the line and start fresh. He wasn't happy.

"Is anyone else creeped out by depressed Alex?" George muttered.

"Yeah, Alex, what's going on?" Meredith asked.

It would be easier not to talk about it. He wasn't the type of guy to let anyone know how he was feeling. At least he never used to be that type of guy. If anyone else had asked he would have kept his mouth shut but Meredith had been on his side before anyone else was. Maybe they weren't exactly friends, but he trusted her.

"Just this woman..."

"Oooh," Izzie teased.

"Who is she?" Christina demanded.

"You don't know her. She doesn't work at the hospital."

"Oh, whatever. She so does," Christina declared authoritatively.

"She might not work at the hospital," Meredith argued.

"Come on, where else is he going to meet anyone?"

"So there's a woman," Izzie interrupted. "And?"

"I don't know. She doesn't make any sense. She told me she couldn't stop thinking about me so... we had sex..."

"Obviously." Izzie's voice dripped sarcasm.

He chose to ignore her. It felt good to be able to vent his frustrations. He actually wanted to keep talking.

"Afterwards... I may have told her I more or less feel the same way about her and she pretends she never said anything in the first place. It's screwed up right?"

"Yeah, women..." George rolled his eyes earning a slap on the arm from Izzie.

"So now what am I supposed to think?"

"Mmph. Maybe she's a psychopathic bitch and she lied about her feelings to get you to sleep with her." Christina said through a mouthful of lasagna.

"I don't think she'd do that. I know her pretty well."

"O.k. then she lied to you after you had sex. Mystery solved."

Christina was starting to get on his nerves.

"I don't think it's that simple."

"Well it's got to be one or the other so how is it _not_ that simple?"

"Because it's complicated! O.k?"

"If it's complicated then maybe she doesn't know what she wants from the relationship," Izzie offered. He was glad at least someone was taking this seriously.

"Or maybe, the sex was so bad, she just changed her mind," George joked.

"George!" Meredith and Izzie groaned.

"No, the sex was good." The image of Addison biting her lip to keep from screaming appeared behind his eyes.

"You know Alex, if you really liked this woman and it was a complicated situation you probably shouldn't have had sex with her right away," Meredith said.

"Yeah, I get that. It just kind of happened."

"You still like her though, right?" George asked.

"I don't know. It's confusing."

"You should talk to her," Izzie suggested. "Maybe she's just as confused as you are."

"She's avoiding me."

"Well don't let her," Christina said impatiently. "Come on Evil Spawn, show some determination!

Now... can we please talk about something interesting? Burke's doing a double bypass later."

* * *

**Next time: Alex confronts Addison...  
**


	10. Confrontation

Chapter Ten: Confrontation

He couldn't believe how perfect she looked, almost too perfect, as if today she had gone to special pains be flawless. Maybe it was easier for her to pretend everything was normal if her dark grey dress made her hair look redder and fit just tight enough to remind the world that she had an amazing body. Maybe she needed the black heels to convince herself that it was just another day, that everything was fine. Everything wasn't fine.

"Addison we need to talk."

She didn't glance up from her chart.

"We're not talking about it."

"We _need _to talk."

"I said we're not talking about it."

He wasn't letting her get away that easily. He wasn't going to let her avoid him again and he probably wouldn't get a better opportunity to have this conversation. They were alone in the N.I.C.U.

He decided on a different approach. There was no way he was going to win an argument with Addison.

"Fine. Hypothetically speaking... My friend's crazy about this woman. He can't stop thinking about her. But its complicated and he's said some really stupid things and sent some mixed messages and she's sent some mixed messages too. Then when he finally decides to just tell her how he feels I guess she gets freaked out or something because she says some things-"

"Alex, I'm sorry."

He wasn't finished yet. He had a point to get across.

"She says some really hurtful things. And that's not like her. As much as she wants everyone to believe that she's heartless and... invincible... she's not and the things she said-"

"Alex, I said I'm sorry." He realized she was struggling to keep her voice under control and wished she could just let go for a minute. "I said I'm sorry. What else do you want me to say?"

She was trying so hard to be composed about it.

He could tell he was about to loose his temper.

"I want you to _stop_ saying you're sorry! I get that you're sorry, Addison! You're _always_ sorry!" he hissed. She suddenly looked like she was about to cry. He softened his voice. "I just want to know _why_ you said those things."

"I panicked." She wasn't meeting his eyes anymore and her voice seemed very small. "I... I don't like loosing control like that. It's... I get mean when I'm freaked out. It's like my defense mechanism or something. I don't know... This is... We can't be having this conversation." She was avoiding again and it was driving him crazy. He fought to keep his voice even but only ended up sounding strangled.

"Why? Why can't we have this conversation? Can you just be _honest_, Addison?"

"You want me to be honest? You want to know what I honestly think about this?"

"Yes!"

"I think you're friend should find some other woman to be crazy about. She's obviously not interested."

This was going nowhere. She was shutting him down at every turn. Did she expect him to just give up? Was he supposed to just walk away and let her keep her precious composure when there was so much left to say? Well, he wasn't about to do that. He was going to get to the bottom of this, one way or another and if it meant she got angry or if he made her cry, so be it. Anything was better than this icy, detachment.

"You're not interested? Or you're interested, you're just too scared to do anything about it?" It was more of a statement than a question.

"What did you say?"

"I said you're interested you're just too scared to do anything about it."

"Alex, you don't even _know_ me."

He'd expected her to get angry at the suggestion that she, Doctor Addison Montgomery, might actually be scared. Instead tears welled in her eyes and he immediately realized that he didn't actually want her to cry. He wanted to make her happy.

"Maybe I don't know you," he said gently. "But I've told you things I haven't told anyone else at this hospital because I want you to know me. And I _want_ to know you."

"You don't want to know me."

"Yes, I do. Look, everyone's heard about the history with Shepard and Sloan. I can handle it." He wished it sounded more like a promise to be there for her and less like something a little kid would say.

"What are you talking about?" she whispered.

"I'm just saying, you deserve better than that. You deserve better, Addison."

"I cheated on my husband Alex. I aborted Mark's baby without even consulting him. I'm supposed to save babies lives. At the very least I'm supposed to know how to keep from getting knocked up. I'm not the perfect person you seem to think I am. I'm not a victim here."

"So you think you deserved to be cheated on?"

She sighed. "Why are you doing this Alex? Was I too _nice_ about it yesterday? Have I not made myself perfectly clear?"

"No! You haven't made yourself clear. It's been nothing but mixed messages from the start, Addison!" Again he was loosing his temper.

She was clenching her jaw, digging her fingernails into her palms.

"O.k. Well now I'm making myself clear. This has to stop. Whatever this is, I'm just going to wait for it to go away."

"What if it doesn't go away?" He couldn't see himself getting past her any time soon.

"It will go away. I got over Derek _and_ Mark. I can get over you. It can't be harder than this. I _can't_ do this, Alex."

He was stunned for a moment. _She_ wanted to get over _him_? But if she had feelings for him then...

"Why? Why is this so hard for you?" He expected something along the lines of, _"I'm still in love with Derek."_ He did not expect,

"Because, Alex, you're my intern!"

The first thing he could think to say was, "You know that's a really pathetic excuse."

"Not to me!" Now she was angry. "Maybe it doesn't matter to Derek or Preston or Callie but it matters to me."

"Why?"

"Because, you're my intern! And as of now, you are permanently off my service!"

If she could yell then he could yell too.

"Just in case you were wondering, you're not exactly coming off as mature or professional or whatever right now!"

"Well neither are you, Alex! Do you have any idea how hard this is for me?" A tear ran down her face, despite the fact that she was glaring furiously at him. "Have you even stopped for a _minute_ to think about what you're asking me to do? My life is complicated! Christ, Alex, I don't even know why I'm still in Seattle!

I make stupid sexual decisions. I do _not..._ I do _not _make stupid professional decisions. I should have kicked you off my service after the nursery. Do you realize that? I should have kicked you off my service but I didn't and things got complicated. And yes, Alex, that scares me. That scares the hell out of me because no matter what goes on in my life, at work, I have _everything_ under control. Everything is simple. You're asking me to give that up. My job, is the only part of my life that isn't complicated and I _need_ it to stay that way, Alex."

He realized where she was heading and tried to throw out something to stop her.

"It doesn't have to be complicated. We could make it really simple."

"Alex, it's already complicated. Look at the mess we made just by sleeping together. Can you imagine what a relationship would be like?"

"Yeah. It would probably be really great." He said this without a hint of sarcasm, because if he was going to go down he didn't really care how ridiculous he sounded, and maybe it would make her feel guilty.

"Alex, please. Can you please just let this go? I can't do it. I'm sorry. I am so, so, sorry because you're a wonderful, amazing person and you don't deserve this, but I can't. I just can't. Please."

It was the pain in her voice as she said the last word that made him realize that maybe this hurt her as much as it hurt him. Maybe she was right and they should just cut their losses before they got hurt even worse. Maybe he was being selfish, because if he really thought about it, she stood to get hurt much worse than he did. For her, one more tragedy might be too much to handle and if Addison Montgomery would actually beg for something then chances were she really needed it.

"O.k. O.k. I'm sorry. I'll let it go. I'll... So we'll just... pretend it didn't happen?"

She nodded.

"O.k."

* * *

**A couple notes:**

**a) Zut Alors! Est-ce-que c'est le fin pour Addison et Alex? Vous doivent attendre pour une semaine pour apprendre parce que je vais etre en vacances en Montreal avec pas de internet. Je suis tres excitant et donc je parle francais.**

**b) Please excuse my shitty french. Roughly translated it reads: Aw shit man. Is this the end for Addison and Alex? You will have to wait one week to find out because I am going to be in Montreal on vacation with no internet. I am very excited and therefore speaking french.**

**c) So yay for me, because I will be having one hell of a good time in a province where I am legal drinking age! Unfortunately this means no updates for at least a week. On the bright side I will have lots of time to write so when I get back there will probably be an expolsion on postings.**

**d) As for the next time part, well I'm not really sure exactly what will be in the next chapter but there is some Maddison friendship coming up and some interaction between Addison and Derek. This fic is far from over.**

**e) In the mean time I want you all to read Falling Apart and tell me what you think. I have only had three reviews so far which stinks because in my humble opinion it is just as good if not better than Draw the Line.**

**f) Finally and most importantly, living in Canada I do not understand the crazy system the Yanks use for measuring temperature. If any one from America is reading this could you please push the big shiny button below and provide me with a breif description of how the system works or just tell me how many of your kooky degrees equals a really hot day. I need this information for a new fic I am planning and it is important for me to get details right. I realized that I used Canadian dollars in one of my other fics, thus making Fortys seem really expensive when the whole point of them is that they are cheap, cheap, cheap. (Slightly less cheap here in Ontarion, damn Liquor Control Board!) Anyways, I felt like a bit of a fool, so help me out and I wont have to feel that way ever again.**

**Cheers.  
**


	11. Boys Are Stupid

Chapter Eleven: Boys Are Stupid

_You deserve better Addison._

_I want to know you._

She sighed and leaned against the back wall of the elevator. Guys like Alex didn't say those things unless they meant them.

_I mean, I don't want to just be sleeping with you. This isn't just about sex for me. _

Addison pressed the heels of her palms into her eye-sockets, trying to drive away the heartbreaking image of his hopeful smile as he said those words. She was not supposed to be thinking about him. She was supposed to be avoiding him. And she was. She just wasn't avoiding _thinking_ about him.

_I don't want to just be sleeping with you. This isn't just about sex for me. _

What a mess. A simple sexual indiscretion was bad enough but it was also easily dealt with. There were guidelines and clear cut rules to follow. Once emotions were involved, and there was no way she could convince herself it had just been sex, for Alex or for herself... Once emotions were involved, things shifted into a realm of terrifying uncertainties, grey areas and elevated stakes.

_I should never have kissed him. I should have kicked him off my service after the nursery. I should never have let it get this far. _

At least it was over now. She had finally drawn the line. Not out of concern for Alex, or because she was worried about her reputation but because she was scared and selfish and she wasn't going to beat herself up for that. She couldn't afford to be anything but selfish. Her life was a mess.

_I make stupid sexual decisions._ That was one hell of an understatement. She was like Meredith Grey on steroids.

Luckily she was alone because she started laughing at the ridiculous mental image. Then she decided that if anyone was on steroids it was probably Mark which made her laugh even more and she'd just decided that she'd finally gone insane and was having a breakdown in the elevator when someone requested a stop and she had to put on a straight face. The person on the other side of the doors killed her mood immediately. Derek.

"Hey, Addison."

"Hi." _Go away Derek. Whatever you're going to say, just don't._

"Are you o.k? Mark called me last night and said you were upset."

She did not want to be having this conversation. The last couple of days had been emotionally draining enough. She didn't want Derek's sympathy on top of all that. She was going to do her job and then she was going to go home and sleep.

"I'm o.k. now. It's dealt with."

"Are you sure you're o.k."

"Yes, I'm sure. It was kind of ridiculous in the first place."

"Do you want to talk about it."

_He's really not letting go of this. _

"Not with you."

"Addison, you know I'll always be here for you."

She couldn't help laughing a little at that.

"I'm sorry, that's just... That's sweet of you, Derek, but I think I can manage on my own. I managed without you half the time when we were married so why should I suddenly need you to look after me now that we're divorced?"

"Addison..."

"I'm sorry. I'm not trying to hurt you or start a fight, but really, I'll be o.k. on my own."

"Nobody's o.k. on their own, Addison. Everyone needs someone."

"Well you're not my _someone_ anymore." She'd expected saying that out-loud to be more painful. Derek looked a little hurt. Maybe she should feel badly for him.

"O.k. But if you change you're mind..." he trailed off.

"O.k."

She'd almost started to hope that the conversation was over and they could exit the elevator in silence when Derek spoke again.

"I'm going to risk sounding like a jerk here, but... Last night when you were upset... Was it because of me?"

At that point she gave up on even trying to feel badly for him.

"No, Derek! Jesus! Did you even think about how that was going to sound before you said it? This has nothing to do with you. Goodbye." Normally she wouldn't even have _wanted_ to avoid a yelling match after a presumptuous remark like that, but she'd had a rough day.

Instead of fighting she went in search of someone to vent to and ended up in Orthopedics. They hadn't really talked in ages because Callie was busy with George and she was busy being... stupid and irresponsible.

There was no way Callie was her _someone _but they could have conversations that weren't work related and that was good enough at the moment.

"Someone should tell Meredith Grey that her boyfriend's ego needs some serious deflating," she declared and punctuated her sentence by flopping into a chair. Callie leaned back in her own chair and sighed.

"Some one should tell George O'Mally that sticking up for his girlfriend is more important than potentially hurting Izzie Stevens' feelings.

Since when do you refer to McDreamy as 'Meredith Grey's boyfriend, by the way?"

"Since when do you refer to your boyfriend as 'George O'Mally?"

"We're fighting."

"Oh. Don't worry. Fighting is o.k. If you bother to fight it means you still care. You two are going to last."

"You think so?" Callie sounded doubtful.

"I do. Although I haven't always displayed the best judgment when it comes to men."

"Oh, no. Did you sleep with Mark again?"

"No. I guess the plus side of this whole thing is that for once I _haven't _slept with Mark."

Callie raised her eyebrows, obviously expecting some clarification, but it wouldn't really be fair to Alex to tell anyone else.

"I probably shouldn't talk about it."

She decided to change the subject. "Maybe I should just give up, swear off men all together. That's it. I'm done with men."

"Props to that. Boys are stupid."

"Yeah."

That, putting it a little simplistically, was the story of her life. She was inclined to make stupid decisions when men were involved. Therefore, _boys_, if not intrinsically stupid, were at least a stupid idea if she wanted to be a person who never made mistakes. She meant what she said about swearing off men.

Yet somehow she ended up at Mark's house that night. Just as friends. Still, even that was dangerous territory. She told herself she wouldn't make a habit of if. She wouldn't let him turn into her _someone_.

* * *

**So that was a little bit of comic relief, because even Grey's is not melodramitic all the time. **

**I am having some difficulty uploading but I do have more written and I've got this thing planned out to the end.**

** I've also planned out my other fic to the bitter end as well and planned an entire new addison and alex fic for when this one is over. It's going to be... different.  
**

**REVIEW. REVIEW. REVIEW.**

**Next time: What's going on between Addison and Mark?**


	12. Barely a Week

Chapter Twelve: Barely a Week

Barely a week had passed and he was watching Addison, across the cafeteria, sharing a salad with Mark Sloan.

He was glad he was having lunch with just Meredith because, at the moment, he was in no mood to be grilled by Izzie and George about the identity of his "mystery lover." Had anyone brought it up, he probably would have hit them. Of course hitting Mark Sloan would be far more satisfying.

He was angry and jealous. He knew he shouldn't be, but every time he looked up and saw Sloan with his arm around Addison's shoulder both emotions bubbled up inside him.

He told himself that it had nothing to do with the fact that Addison was moving on, and everything to do with who she was moving on with. He told himself that if it was anyone else he would have been happy for her. But if that was the case, then he should be happy for her right now. She looked happy.

But that only made it worse. He remembered the details of their last conversation, the tears, the frantic look in her eyes, the desperation evident in her words and movements and was jealous because Sloan had taken all that away. Barely a week after he, Alex, had made her cry, Sloan was making her smile.

He pushed his untouched food around his tray and tried not to think about Addison letting Sloan put his arms around her, tried not to imagine her kissing him, letting him put his hands on her. His mind had already made the leap. He couldn't tear his eyes off the two of them. He didn't even notice Meredith trying to get his attention until she said his name for the third time.

"Alex!"

"Huh?"

"Are you o.k?"

"Yeah... I'm fine."

"O.k." She returned to her meal and he continued to stir his food around his plate. Suddenly she dropped her fork and said,

"That woman you're crazy about, it's Addison isn't it?"

He nearly choked. "What? No!"

Meredith looked incredulous and raised an eyebrow.

"O.k. Yes, it's Addison."

"I thought so. You're staring."

"Yeah..." The scene between Addison and Sloan still had his attention. "Is it really that obvious?"

"I kind of figured it out," Meredith said softly. "You said it was complicated and as far as I know the only beautiful and complicated women you spend time with are Izzie and Addison. And according to Derek she's mysteriously depressed and so are you so..."

"She doesn't look too depressed to me."

Meredith followed his gaze across the cafeteria just as Sloan tucked a piece of Addison's hair behind her ear. As he did so she glanced up from the journal she was reading and smiled. Meredith watched them thoughtfully for a moment before turning to him and saying,

"Yeah, but she's Addison. If she's depressed, she's good at hiding it."

"Yeah."

"So did you ever talk to her?"

"Yeah."

"How did it go?"

"Not great. We're pretending it didn't happen. Her idea, not mine."

"Are you o.k?"

Meredith was being sympathetic. Which was nice. And made sense because she'd had a similar experience with Shepard. Although her's must have been much worse. And he knew he should appreciate it because Meredith was really good at being supportive without pushing you to open up and share your feelings and crap like that. But he really wasn't in the mood.

"Yeah. It's no big deal. It probably wouldn't have worked out anyway. The whole thing was pretty messed up. I'm o.k."

"It's o.k. not to be, you know."

"Yeah, but what's the point? If she's doesn't want it, then she doesn't want it. There's nothing I can do about it so why be upset?"

"Because it still sucks."

"Yeah, it really does."

* * *

**So, short chapter. I appologize.**

**You don't really have to review if you don't want to but it would make me happy. **

**What do you think of Meredith? I am very self conscious about writting her because I made her actually grow a spine and drop Derek in a oneshot I did and a bunch of people were like "W.T.F? Meredith would _never_ do that." Well you know what? I think she should. He was a bad husband to Addison. And now he's being a bad boyfriend to her. He needs to find the balance between neglect and creepy over protectiveness. That's not love. That's just going to lead to lasting psycological issues. Whatever happened to equal partnership? She should dump him. Anyway...  
**

**Next time: It's another Addison Alex confrontation. "So, I know it's none of my buissiness but... Are you with Sloan?"**


	13. I Wouldn't Lie to You

**So, to counteract the sadness of this chapter... real life hilarity:**

**A dinner at my friend's house... Alcohol is involved. My friend sets her napkin on fire, panics and drops it into a bowl containing traces of whipped cream, ie. sugar, ie. ignition, ie. Not Good. Really, more scary than funny, but we put it out and nothing was destroyed and only one person got burns and they were not very bad. Time for the funny part:**

**Friends mother enters.**

**Friends mother: Something smells burney.**

**Me: (speaking on behalf of drunken friends and slightly intoxicated myself) Do not worry nothing is burning... anymore.**

**Friends mother: Nothing's burning?**

**Me: Correct.**

**Friends mother: But something _was_ burning?**

**Me: There was a _minor_ incident. It's o.k. now.**

**Friends mother: O.k. So there's no fire... but there _was _earlier? These are all empty (indicates bottles of alcohol). But they _were_ full earlier?**

**Me: More or less.**

**Friend: I wanna watch some MOVIES!**

**Me: I think we're going to go watch some movies now.**

**Friends mother: (pause) O.k... Don't let her throw up.**

**Me: Dinner was excellent by the way.**

**We go down to the basement drink beer, eat cheese cake and watch Dream Girls. Friends mother is surprisingly cool about all of this. I am surprisingly cool under pressure.**

**So you've been amused. Now prepare to be heart broken.**

Chapter Thirteen: I Wouldn't Lie to You.

Barely a week after Addison had asked him for space, and he was standing in her office about to start a conversation that would only leave him looking selfish and pathetic.

"Hey."

She raised a perfect eyebrow at him over her glasses, then got up from her desk, closed the door behind him and drew the blinds. He leaned against the edge of her desk and scanned the titles of the medical journals lining the shelves. She crossed the room and leaned against the desk beside him, her hand resting a few inches from his own. She sighed.

"Hi."

He decided to just spit it out.

"Look, I know it's really none of my buissiness, but... Are you with Sloan?"

"What?"

"Are you and Sloan together?"

She squeezed her eyes shut and ran her fingers through her hair, sighing.

"No."

"Well it kind of lookes like you are?"

"Well we're not." He noted the hint of exasperation in her voice. "Mark and I are just friends."

"Just friends?"

"Just friends," she stated firmly.

Seconds passed. They stood silently, leaning against the desk, close enough to touch but avoiding even looking at eachother. He wanted to believe her, wanted to trust that she would be honest with him. He was weighing her word against... _what? _It was nothing more than a feeling he'd gotten watching her with Sloan, a ridiculous, jealous suspicion. But what if he was right?

Finally he glance over at her and a moment later she turned to face him and he saw it in her eyes. As clearly as if she's said it out loud.

_I wouldn't lie to you._

"O.k," he whispered and found it in him to smile. "I didn't really think you'd do that, anyway."

"Do what?"

"Shack up with another guy one week after 'that thing that never happened."

He realized he'd taken the conversation to a dangerous area by the anxiety that flickered across her face. Still, she spoke calmly in spite of it.

"No... I wouldn't do that." She took off her glasses and started her nervous habit ot toying with them, before adding,

"But just because Mark and I aren't... It doesn't mean... It doesn't really make a difference either way."

"Yeah."

She clearly realized he was putting on a brave face, because her next words were,

"Are you o.k?"

"Yeah. I'm o.k." It was pretty obvious he wasn't but he knew she'd pretend to believe him, anyway. "I mean, if you can't do it, then you can't do it. I could get depressed and start feeling sorry for myself but that wouldn't change anything. So how about you? Are you o.k?"

"I guess so."

That was the part where he was supposed to pretend to believe her, pretend he couldn't see just how lonely and confused and _guilty _she felt. He couldn't do it.

"If you're upset, you can tell me about it. We could just talk..."

"No. If we talk about it I'll start crying and... keeping in mind 'that thing that never happened' last time you found me crying..." She attempted a smile and failed miserably. "I don't think that's a good idea."

"You can trust me."

It was actually kind of a selfish thing to say, given the circumstances because she obviously didn't want to have this conversation. She was trying really hard to maintain composure and he was wishing she would just let it go so it would be o.k. for him to comfort her.

"I know I can trust you. I don't really have a problem trusting you. I have a problem trusting myself. I'm the woman who cheated on her husband, remember?"

"You've got to stop regretting that." He was starting to remind himself of Shepard. He'd always told himself that if a woman asked him for space he would have the strength to back off and not follow her around being all dreamy and complicating things. "You've got to stop regretting that," he repeated.

"It's hard."

"You'd really still want to be married to that guy?"

"Don't say it like that. He's not _that guy. _He's the last third of my life."

"Were you happy? Were you really, actually happy?"

"I loved him."

"Were you happy?" he persisted.

Finally she snapped, "No! Would I have cheated if I was happy?"

"Exactly."

She glared at him and he knew he should just shut up, because if he kept going there was a big possibility that he would really piss her off... but there was also a possibility that she would open up to him so he said,

"Why did you stay with him?"

She sighed.

"You can't just... snap your fingers and make it go away."

"Yeah. I know what you mean."

Their eyes met and he saw the guilt that pooled in hers at his words. Then her lips were pressed against his and they were kissing urgently and he wasn't really sure who had leaned in first. She tasted like chapstick and her skin was soft and warm under his fingers and he barely had time to notice any of this before she pulled away.

She leaned her forehead against his and tangled their fingers together, bringing his hand to her lips and kissing it.

"It takes time." Her voice was small and breathless but getting firmer. "It takes time but eventually it does go away. We just have to wait it out. It will go away," she said. Then she kissed him softly on the cheek, dropped his hands and walked out of the office.

He was left sitting alone, wondering exactly what had happened. His hands felt cold and empty and he could still feel the imprint of her lips on his cheek.

_What the hell have you done, Karev? She asked for space. How many times are you going to force youself on her? She doesn't want it. Leave her alone. Get over it. Stop. Just, stop._

He left the office determined to give Addison the space he needed. For three weeks he stayed away. He tried not to think about her or wonder if she was thinking about him. He tried not to get jealous when he saw her with Sloan and he tried, really tried, to get over her. By the time the Cheif announced that he and his wife were renewing their vows and invited the surgical staff to the ceremony, he'd gotten to the point where it didn't bother him that Sloan was her date. She and Sloan were friends. He didn't have a problem with that. Friends were allowed to go to this kind of thing together.

With that in mind he asked Izzie to be his date.

**Next time: Not exactly sure. Could have something to do with Mark and Addison. She thinks they're just friends, but does he? **

**Coming up: I have the rest of the story planned out but I'm not exactly sure how many chapters it will need to get it all in. It will probably run to about twenty. Most of the rest of the story takes place at the wedding. Should be fun. I'll try to write some more Addison P.O.V. since I haven't done too much of that lately. More Derek, Mark, Meredith and a little bit of Izzie. Will Addison and Alex end up together? Will she end up with Mark? Will they both end up alone? Life is full of mysteries.  
**

**As always, review and tell me what you think. I am going away for a week again, in order to duke it out with 20 teams from across Canada for National Improv Theater Surpremacy. This is a huge deal for me. The audiences run at about 1000 people and you have to make up pretty much everything in the spur of the moment. Some people would find this nerve-wraking. I find it very exciting. Anyway I will not be able to update during this time but I hope to find lots of shiny new reviews when I get home. Coming back and finding that only three people have reviewed does not get me very excited about writing so... REVIEW. It's in your best interests.**


	14. A Parade of Questions

**Oh. My. God. I cannot believe I haven't noticed this before, but this guy I work with ACTUALLY. IS. MARK. I'm talking about T.V. Mark here. They are exactly the same. Check out this conversation I had with him yesterday...**

**Me: So, what are your exicting plans for the weekend?**

**Jason: Oh, nothing much. I've got a hot date tonight.**

**Me: Oooh.**

**Jason: Yeah, you know that good looking girl I was talking to earlier? I'm supposed to meet her later tonight.**

**Me: Wow. Good for you.**

**Jason: Yeah. I mean it's not exactly a "hot date" because she's engaged...**

**Me: Oh. I hope you're not going to try anything with her.**

**Jason: Well...**

**Me: Jay...**

**Jason: I mean, no, of course not. It hadn't even crossed my mind.**

**Me: That's what I thought. To bad you wont be getting any action, but that's what you get for dating girls who are engaged.**

**Jason: Are you kidding? Those are the best girls to date. You can fool around with them and then not have to worry that they'll want a commitment.**

**Me: Have you ever been in a serious relationship?**

**Jason: Are you kidding? No way.**

**Me: And you are how old?**

**Jason: Thirty-six.**

**Me: Well, you are lucky you look exactly like McSteamy (same forehead, same perfectly groomed beard, same godly physique) except with red hair and dreadlocks, because otherwise no woman would go near you.**

**Jason: Hey. I'm also very charming and I have a fantastic sense of humor.**

**Me: This is true. **

**And this is why he is Mark. He looks like him. He talks like him. You know those people who can come up with witty one liners like "want my pickle" in real life conversation. Well that is Jay. And he lives like him. I always tease him that he should write a self-help book on his philosophy of women. I could basically be condensed into one line: Love em and leave em. Need I say more? Anyway, Mark in my fic is a little nicer…**

Chapter Fourteen: A Parade of Questions

"How do I look?" Addison asked absentmindedly, her attention focused on the full-length mirror in front of her as she tried to choose between three pairs of earrings.

Mark chuckled behind her.

"What? What's so funny?" She spun around and pretended to glare at him, smoothing the wrinkles out of her cocktail dress as she did so.

He leaned his head against the door-frame and raised an eyebrow at her.

"Don't give me that look, Mark. Why are you laughing at me?"

"I'm not laughing."

"You're laughing."

"You're wearing black."

"It's not black. It's _burnt_ _ochre_," she informed him. "There's a difference."

Mark burst out laughing.

"It's black, Addison. You can't wear black to a wedding. It's bad juju."

"It's not black. It's..."

"You should wear that dress you bought last week," he interrupted. "Remember? When you made me go shopping with you."

"I did not _make_ you do anything. You wanted to go shopping with me. You _loved_ it." She grinned.

"Right. Just like you loved watching Caballero trounce De Leon with me on Wednesday."

"That was disgusting." She wrinkled her nose.

"That was a great fight." He grinned.

"I can't believe you..."

"I actually subscribe to that channel," Mark laughed.

Addison flinched.

"Did you just finish my sentence for me?"

"I don't know. Did I?"

"You definitely did." She decided to turn it into a joke. "We are spending _way_ too much time together."

At the back of her mind almost wondered if it were true. She and Mark weren't in a relationship but they shared lunch almost everyday and went to Joe's together and cooked for each other. Well, he cooked for her.

And brought her coffee every day.

And the way he put his arm around her shoulders in crowded elevators, sometimes made her question where the line between protective and possessive fell.

He was finshing her sentences.

And once they had fallen asleep on her couch together, after a late night movie, and when she woke in the morning she was surprised at how safe she felt with his arms wrapped around her. She couldn't figure out why she felt so good until she realized that for the first time in ages, she'd actually slept through the night. Maybe she just didn't like sleeping alone. Or maybe...

Maybe they were acting more like a couple than like friends. Alex had certainly gotten that impression, maybe other people had too.

But why should she care what impression other people got? As long as she and Mark were on the same page, it didn't matter what other people thought. _You're over-analyzing things. You and Mark are just friends. You know it and he knows it. That's all that matters._

"I got you a corsage by the way." Mark interrupted her train of thought.

_There is nothing wrong with a corsage between friends. Relax._

"It matches much better with the dress you bought last week," Mark continued.

"Which dress?"

"The one that's sort of a fancy halter-top."

"The _white_ one? Mark, the _bride_ wears white. I can't wear white to a wedding."

"It's not white. It's... _crème_ _anglaise_."

The argument over what dress she should wear was finally resolved when Mark showed her the corsage and she was forced to admit that it really would look better with the white dress. Of course by that time they were already running late.

She stripped off the first dress in front of him, partly because she was in a hurry and partly to convince herself that she didn't find it that big of a deal for him to see her half naked. She also needed his help tying up the back of the second dress.

His fingers grazed her skin and lingered a little longer than was probably necessary but she chose to ignore it. Obviously she and Mark were pretty familiar with each other's bodies. It was only natural for them to touch a little more than other friends might. She wasn't going to start stressing out about her relationship with her best friend over a little physical contact. She was going to focus on shoes and earrings and getting out the door on time.

"Do I look o.k? Oh god, this dress isn't too sheer, is it?"

"Well, I'm sure the world doesn't mind the view of your panties," Mark grinned.

"What!"

Mark laughed.

"Relax, Addison. It was a joke. Now hold still and let me get this thing tied on."

He gently finished tying the corsage to her wrist. Satisfied that it was securely fastened he stepped back and said,

"You look beautiful."

There was a certain tenderness in his voice that normally would have started a parade of questions in her head, but his smile put her at ease and he offered her his arm and it felt perfectly comfortable and familiar so she decided she was being ridiculous and she shouldn't worry about it. In fact, it would be better if she didn't think about it at all.

* * *

**Next time: At the wedding. Alex/Izzie friendship. Will Izzie have a good time or will she be sad parce que missing Denny. Addison gets some compliments on her appearance. Alex/Addison interaction.** **Addison/Derek interaction next chapter or the one after that.**

**Please, review.**


	15. Brave Face

Chapter Fifteen: Brave Face 

The Chief and his wife rented out a Ferry boat and said their vows in the middle of Elliot Bay. They held the short ceremony on deck and the weather, uncharacteristically warm and sunny for Seattle, cooperated.

The boat's transformation into what was essentially a floating reception hall stood as a testament to what the salary of a chief of surgery could accomplish. Not only was the Ferry cleaner than any boat Alex had ever been on, it was also beautifully decorated. White table clothes fluttered in the summer breeze, each table topped with an arrangement of lilies and a forty-dollar bottle of champagne. The boat's railings were wrapped with cords of electric lights, and lamps hung from wires suspended over the deck, in preparation for sundown, still several hours away.

Alex guessed the net cost of the wedding must have run close to a million dollars. He was amazed, but also kind of freaked out to think that one day he might make enough money to pay for this kind of thing.

Of course that day was a long way off and he was currently sweating in a cheap rental suit. Not that it really mattered. He was at a table with Christina, Izzie, Meredith, Shepard and Burke and while he was fairly certain the other men had paid a couple hundred dollars more than him for their clothes, he was still only slightly out of place.

O'Mally on the other hand, was the only intern at his table. Alex almost felt bad for the guy. Apart from Callie, he was seated with some very intimidating guests, Bailey, a cousin of the Chief's, Mark Sloan... And her.

Alex almost felt bad for George, except for the fact that he would have given just about anything to trade places with him and be sitting at that table. Next to Addison.

When he'd seen her arrive his breath had caught in his throat. God, she was beautiful. Her hair was swept back loosely and shone copper in the sun. She'd always had beautiful skin, even under the hospital's fluorescent bulbs, but under natural light her face seemed to glow.

He wasn't the only one who'd noticed her appearance. The Chief's wife had made a good natured joke about it. Something along the lines of,

"Shouldn't I get to be the most beautiful woman at my own wedding," which had earned a nervous smile from Addison and a wide grin from Sloan.

Even Izzie had remarked,

"Wow, she looks hot."

Izzie, who he'd asked to come with him. Izzie who he was supposed to be paying attention to. He'd come determined to show her a good time, thinking a wedding might be a painful reminder of her plans with Denny.

When he'd asked her if she was o.k, she'd replied,

"Are you crazy? I love weddings," but it was pretty clear she was putting on a brave face.

They'd danced for a while and they'd talked and he hadn't left her side all day. But his attention kept drifting across the crowd.

Addison's dress hung weightlessly on her body, letting him imagine the curve of her hip beneath the fabric. A stray piece of hair curled at the back of her neck. Her shoulders were bare. She always wore her lab coat at the hospital. He hadn't seen her shoulders since...

He remembered the feel of her skin, soft beneath his lips. Remembered placing a kiss between her breasts and feeling her heartbeat against his mouth.

It had been more than a month and still his pulse quickened whenever he was near her.

He couldn't even pay attention to the hot ex-model who was sitting across from him because he was too transfixed by Addison's bare arms, elbows resting on the table, hands dancing gestures as she talked with Bailey.

Finally he realized that Izzie was trying to tell him something and dragged his eyes away.

"Thanks for being my date," she smiled.

For a minute he thought she was joking.

"You don't have to... I know I'm not that good at this type of thing."

"No, I'm serious," Izzie laughed. "I'm having a good time. I figured I'd be stuffing my face with cake and I'm not so... Yay! I'm glad we're here together."

He nodded and she continued.

"I mean, Meredith and Cristina have like their own little thing and the things with Burke and McDreamy and now George and Callie are... So anyways… I'm glad that we're friends."

"Yeah. Me too."

"So... Since we are now officially friends... Feel like telling me who you've been making googily eyes at all day," Izzie teased.

He found it didn't really bother him anymore.

"Maybe some other time. It's kind of a long story."

* * *

**So this chapter calls for a little suspended disbelief. The Chief was able to rent out a Ferry because I thought it would be pretty. O.k? And I frankly don't care whose running the hospital while the wedding takes place because I really wanted everyone to get to be on the pretty boat in the middle of the pretty water under the pretty, pretty sun.**

**Now that I've established this lovely setting I'm going to spend a couple chapters here. I'll probably be finishing up in about four chapters. I have a delightful little plot outline planned out in my head so...  
**

**GEE READY**

**  
Next time: Saddison ensues. I actually cried while writing part of it.**


	16. It's in the Past

**  
**

**So I got really brave. And I decided to go out on a limb. And I did something I've never done before. **

**  
I used a symbol.**

**  
And then I started having some doubts as to whether I should have done this big scary thing that I did. And started to feel a little nervous and embarrassed and I really, really wanted to cut it out and just pretend it never happened.**

**  
But then I thought, "Hey, the great thing about fan fiction is that you can experiment with something you wouldn't normally try and then people can review and tell you if it worked or not and if they liked it."**

**  
So I'm hoping that's what will happen.**

**  
In other words, review. Tell me if the symbol was good or if it was hugely clichéd and/or obvious and/or pretentious. Please tell me I am not a big ol' hack.**

Chapter Sixteen: It's in the Past

Addison twirled the stem of her champagne flute between her fingers and tried to remember the last time she'd been to a wedding. It would have been three or four years ago. When she was more or less happily married, the threads that stitched her to Derek just beginning to come loose and un-ravel.

She sipped her champagne. Made a weak effort to resist thinking about how much her life had changed in the past few years.

The Addison of three years ago radiated confidence. She knew where she was going and was still so capable of concealing her private uncertainties. Any flickerings of doubt she felt were easily ignored and quickly suppressed.

_ Stop. Thinking like this is not going to help._

Somehow that strength had disappeared. Or rather Derek had disappeared. Derek, who she'd needed. Derek, who she now realized she'd been shockingly dependant on.

He had gradually slipped away, drawing much of her confidence with him. And while she managed to maintain an outward semblance of control, inside she was reeling, stumbling blindly, reaching out for something to hold onto.

And she was lonely. And new shoes weren't going to make it go away. And Mark was just there.

_ And maybe I actually fell in love with him. _

But they were both too screwed up at that point, and it was too… complicated, and it wasn't just because Mark was a man-whore that they never really had a chance.

Inevitably it fell apart and still shaken she'd stumbled after Derek.

It would have been better to let go. She could have avoided a lot of pain. And saved a lot of face. She could have kept her trip to Seattle strictly professional and been gone in two weeks. But then he didn't sign the papers and she told herself that was good enough and suddenly not trying wasn't an option. Weak.

Well, that was her.

She'd come to realize that the snark and the sarcasm and the immaculate hair were just a defense and underneath it all she was a needy and insecure and vulnerable person in more ways than one. It was Derek who'd failed to recognize that. He'd probably hurt her more than he realized. And she'd loved him so badly it hurt even worse.

_ Mark never hurt the way Derek did. Does that mean I never loved him? _

_ Maybe I just needed someone. _

_  
Maybe he was just someone else to depend on._

No. She would never have used the words "Mark" and "dependable" in the same sentence. Until recently.

_ Complicated_.

_ Stop. It doesn't matter. It's in the past._

She couldn't afford to keep looking back. She needed to focus her energy on here, and now. Make some more friends in Seattle. Maybe move out of the hotel and move on with her life. Because where she was sitting right now was not great. Getting better, thanks mostly to Mark, but still not great.

Today especially, things were not great. People seemed to expect her to be miserable and the weight of that expectation pressed down on her, making it really hard not to be uncomfortable at least, if not downright depressed. It also made her determined to plaster a smile on her face, chat and be sociable, no matter how much she wanted to get away and have some time to herself. Because she really couldn't stand to be pitied.

But despite the charade, despite the affected happiness she still felt isolated. It reminded her a little of high-school. She was the band geek with braces, again. People either avoided her or were awkward and overly friendly. She felt like she was wearing a sign, like there was some sort of flashing neon light that identified her as divorced, someone to be careful around. People were treating her like she was made of glass.

Mark stayed next to her all afternoon, never once leaving her side. Occasionally his arm would brush against hers, a physical reminder that he was close, that it would be so easy to lean into him if she decided she wanted to.

And across the deck Alex was sitting with Izzie Stevens, talking, and occasionally even smiling. Which was rare. And nice. And...

_ Stop_.

She should not be trying to remember the last time they'd talked like that, shared that kind of easy conversation. She should not be remembering his stubble scratching her skin, his hands on her waist, the heat of his breath against her neck. She should not even be thinking about him.

But he wasn't making it easy. He was looking her. She could _feel_ him looking at her.

_ Complicated_.

And then, as if she didn't have enough to think about, her ex-husband was suddenly standing right next to her, looking awkward and uncomfortable, and asking

"Hey, Addison. I was um... wondering if we could talk."

Mark shifted uneasily and she noticed his hand jerk a little, as if he was fighting the instinct to wrap her in his arms, to protect her. But she was sick of being coddled and Derek was smiling and the idea of getting away from the other guests, the sheer crushing weight of all those people, was inviting and if she was honest with herself, the idea of an actual honest conversation with Derek was inviting as well. So she went.

They walked around to the other end of the boat and there were a few minutes of awkward silence before Derek mumbled,

"Nice corsage. Is that an orchid?" and for lack of anything better to say she responded,

"Yeah. Did you know orchids are parasites?"

Derek raised an eyebrow.

"I thought orchids were flowers."

So she explained,

"They're parasitic flowers. They're beautiful but... They have to latch onto other plants to survive. They can't sustain themselves on their own." She fell silent and Derek looked out at the water for a minute before saying,

"Well they're pretty anyway," and suddenly adding, "Does this make you sad?"

She instinctively knew what he was talking about.

"Does it make me sad that Richard and Adele worked it out and we didn't? No. Not really. You're more sentimental than I am. And I don't really think it's a comparable situation."

"Because of Meredith?"

"Partially. Anyway, I don't think we should be sad about it."

He smiled and then drew a deep breath and after a visible struggle, said,

"Listen, if you and Mark are... If you're... together... Then that's great. I'm really happy for you."

She sighed.

"We're not together."

"Oh. It's just... It kind of seemed like you were."

"Yeah, a lot of people get that impression, but we're really just friends. I do appreciate the support, though."

"Well you're not yelling at me in an elevator so I must be doing something right." He grinned.

"Sorry about that. That was... a rough day."

Derek smiled and said softly,

"I forgive you," and she could tell he was talking about more than just the elevator.

"You deserve to be happy, Addison. You really do. You're too hard on yourself, you know."

She nodded and they fell back into silence for a few minutes. Only this time it was considerably less awkward and after a while Derek said,

"We could have lunch or something, sometimes. You know, try to be friends?"

"Yeah, we could," she agreed. "I'd like that. But I think if you're going to try to be friends with me, then Mark should get another chance too. Okay?"

"Okay."

He smiled.

"So we're good?"

"Yeah. We're good."

* * *

**Once I started writing this I realized that the scene I was talking about (the one that made me cry) didn't really fit in here. So I'm going to give it its own chapter.**

**  
Next time: The tear-jerker. **

**  
P.S. Review and tell me what you thought of the symbol. I'm not sure I'm a fan of it. In case you couldn't find it, it's in around the 34th paragraph. And it's really not that subtle so... yeah...**

**  
**


	17. What Do You Think Will Happen Next?

Please Note:

I named this chapter after a song. I will probably never do that again. It's a huge pet peeve of mine. Kind of like playing your car radio really loud and assuming the rest of the world wants to hear what you're listening to.

That said, anyone who can identify the artist behind this song gets to join my club. We can sit around a talk about how our taste in music is so obscure and how we're so much cooler than everyone else because we support musicians no one has ever heard of. Then when said musicians achieve fame we can stop supporting them and start to complain about how they've sold out. It'll be a super fun time. But no one's going to know anyways so... Never mind.

Here's that chapter I was telling you about. The one that made me cry.

P.S. Props to Ics for getting the meaning of the orchid. I would also like to ad to Ics' interpretation that Addison sees herself as a little too dependant on others for happiness and emotional sustenance.

* * *

Chapter Seventeen: What Do You Think Will Happen Next?

Addison stayed at the far end of the boat after Derek left. She needed the silence. Needed to think. And she couldn't do that surrounded by people. The heat, and the noise, and the mingled smells of countless different perfumes and aftershaves and bodies were not good for thinking.

No. Fresh air was good for thinking. Fresh air and silence and a cool breeze off the water.

She and Derek were going to try to be friends. She wasn't sure if it would work, but at least they were going to try. She couldn't see Derek ever being her shoulder to cry on but something casual, maybe like what she had with Callie, might be nice. By now it was pretty obvious that Mark was her real best friend.

And it was pretty obvious that there was the possibility of something more if she decided she wanted it...

_But do I want it?_

It was not a simple question.

Mark found her, lost in thought, as the sun was dipping below the horizon. The distant humm of the reception was beginning to die down as guests left the deck and moved inside the boat. She was pacing, her heels clicking rhythmically on the deck.

"Addison? Do you want to come inside? It's getting dark out here."

"No. I um... There are lights."

"Okay." He crossed over to the guardrail and leaned against it.

She continued to pace and he, leaning against the railing, watched her. Her steps slowed and she came to a rest next to him propping her elbows on the railing and sighed. He picked up on her mood and, as an almost tangible silence fell between them, she found herself thinking,

_Oh god, this is awkward._

But then he spoke,

"You know what this reminds me of?" and smiled and her discomfort melted away.

She and Mark had always been comfortable with conversation, sharing sharp wits and sharper tongues, and Derek, who had honed his own sarcastic wit only after years of tagging along with their conversations, had once told her it was a little weird how much the two of them had in common.

_Maybe I have more in common with Mark than I like to admit. History..._

"What does this remind you of?" she responded absently.

"Your wedding,"

"Oh." She was more startled by the softness in his voice than by the actual words and fumbled for something to say.

"I'm surprised you remember. At the reception... you got really drunk."

"Yeah well, I was miserable." Mark laughed softly. "My best friend was marrying this girl who... kind of drove me crazy. Stubborn, difficult, always had to be right...

"And she was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen."

"Mark..."

"And she was smarter than me. And funnier than me."

"You were jealous of me?"

Mark looked up and shook his head.

"I was jealous of _him_."

"Oh."

He shrugged. And then he leaned towards her, and brushing a gentle kiss to her lips said,

"I've pretty much always thought we were perfect for each other."

She swallowed. His lips were against her cheek now. It was perhaps the softest kiss he'd ever given her and she was frozen by it. Mark was still speaking, slowly, cautiously.

"I told myself it would go away but it didn't... It hasn't."

Her breath caught in her throat. This was her best friend and he was looking at her like... like...

And suddenly all the complexities of her feelings for Mark condensed into one simple fact. With Mark she was never going to be certain of anything. And there was no way she could put herself, or him, through that and pretend it was all right. She couldn't do it.

"Mark... I can't."

She saw the hurt in his eyes, the subtle tightening of his jaw she recognized as the sign he was fighting desperately to hold it together. He sighed. As a surgeon she knew what that sigh meant, was painfully accustomed to delivering the news that provoked it: _there is no hope._

"Are you sure?"

His voice was raw.

"I'm sure."

He sighed again and ran his fingers through his hair.

"You can't right now or you can't ever?"

"I... Never." Tears blurred her vision and her own voice trembled as she whispered, "I'm sorry."

He took a ragged breath. "No. I'm sorry... I... Can we at least still be friends?"

She'd never heard him sound so lost.

"I don't want to if it hurts you."

"It'll hurt more if we can't be friends," he whispered.

She nodded.

"O.k."

"O.k. I'm gonna go and... I guess I'll go try to pick up some chick or... I'll find you later, okay? I'll drive you home."

"You don't have to... I mean, I can just get a cab."

"No. I'll drive you." He started to walk away and then turned back to her and forcing a grin, said, "What are friends for, right?"

She nodded again, clamping her hands over her mouth, trying to choke back a sob.

* * *

So yeah. That made me cry. In my imagination it was all sunsety and beautiful in a symbolic 'the sun goes down on Maddison' kind of way. And Kate Walsh was her usual gorgeous self. And E.D. wasn't wooden. And probably none of that came across in my writing. _Crys some more._

**Next Time: What Do You Think Will Happen Next? **

**Har har I kill myself.**


	18. Hasn't Gone Away

Hmm. Lots of people seem to think Meredith is more pathetic than Addison. Can't say I agree. I mean, when Meredith wants to have rebound sex she actually makes the effort to make herself look okay, go out to the bar, and pick up a guy. She then promptly discards said guy when she's had her way with him. Give Meredith a break, people. Can't say I'm that fond of her, but the girl is tough.

Addison on the other hand, when she finds herself in need of rebound sex, mopes around in a revoulting sweatsuit all day eating muffins, then calls up the one person she has the most painful and complicated history imaginable with, waits around in her hotel room until he shows up, has sex with him and then proceeds to carry on an emotionally destructive relationship with him for a period of monthes.

Compared to Addison, Meredith is a shining beacon of emotional stability.

This is why I love Addison.

Anyway... The orchid... Totally Addison. Don't let the satanic persona fool you. I mean, this woman tried to stick it out with a guy who actually told her he loved someone else. She practically spent the entire second season begging Derek to notice her. That says needy to me. Of course this only makes me love her more. I love how she can kick all kinds of ass and then be totally sad and pathetic at the same time. Reminds me of this metaphor I heard where someone compared Addison to a flower that looks totally awsome at first glance, but then when you take a closer look you realize it's a little needy. Hint: watch what happens to the orchid in this chapter.

Speaking of this chapter...

I give you...

Chapter Eighteen: Hasn't Gone Away

Alex left Izzie with Meredith and said he was going for a walk. He gave an excuse, something about needing fresh air, and then left the reception and went out side to look for Addison. She'd been conspicuously absent for most of the evening.

_I just need to know she's o.k. That's it. I find her. I make sure she's alright. I go._

He found her near the back of the boat, wearing nothing but that flimsy white dress despite the fact that it was quite cold now the sun was down. The wind was picking up too, tugging pieces of her hair out of place and whipping them around her face. She was distracted, tearing something white into little bits and tossing the pieces into the water without seeming to realize what she was doing. She obviously had something on her mind.

He meant to walk away and let her think but instead found himself drawing nearer, then saying,

"Hey. It's getting cold out here," and wrapping his jacket around her shoulders.

She blinked at him, startled, and for a minute, before she could mask herself with a forced smile, he saw fear and panic and hurt in her eyes, the look of an animal caught in a snare. And then it was gone and she let him help her slip her arms into the sleeves of the jacket, ridiculously loose on her narrow frame, and turning back to the water continued to pick at the something white. He realized it was the corsage she'd been wearing earlier.

She rolled the last of the pieces between her fingers before flicking it over the rail and then said,

"How do you always show up when I just want to be alone?" and her voice, drained, exhausted, a hoarse whisper gave away the fact that she'd been crying.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm fine."

He had enough experience with concealing his own vulnerabilities to know she was lying. And now he noticed an unusual palor to her face and traces of mascara under her eyes that she hadn't been completely successful in wiping away. Her tried to say that no she didn't look fine, but it came out,

"Well you look... really beautiful."

She laughed, but it sounded hollow, and responded, "How's Izzie? She seems to be handling this whole wedding thing pretty well."

He let her change the subject.

"Yeah. She's doing good. We're... um... We're not... We're just here as friends."

"Just friends. Where have I heard that before?"

She smiled but it didn't reach her eyes.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"I don't know." She turned to him and now her eyes were pools of sadness, dark and soft and glistening with fresh tears. "My best friend says he's in love with me. So... No." Her voice broke. "Not okay. This is so far from okay." She bit her lip in an effort to keep from crying in front of him.

"What are you going to do?" he whispered.

_Way to go Karev. Very supportive._

She sighed.

"He's going to try to get over it. I don't know what I'm going to do." She drew a ragged breath and repeated, "I don't know what to do."

And then she turned towards him and her head landed on his shoulder as if drawn there against her will by some freak gravitational pull.

He wrapped her in his arms and drew her against him and after a minute she relaxed in his embrace and he felt tears soaking his shirt. She cried silently and first but soon she was trembling violently in his arms and clutching at the front of his shirt, muffling her sobs in his shoulder. Her breath came in short choked gasps or giant gulps of air and he started to worry she was going to pass out. He'd never seen anyone cry like this before and he had no idea how to handle it. He rubbed her back and whispered that everything would be all right, and hoped to God she found it more convincing than he did.

Eventually her breathing returned to normal and she sagged against him and whispered,

"Thank you."

He pulled her closer to him and she sank into his chest leaving her head on his shoulder and wrapping her arms around his neck. He stayed as still as he could, listening to her breath, and hoping she couldn't feel his heart hammering in his chest. Time passed. Maybe three minutes, maybe thirty. And then, almost without premeditation, he took a deep breath and said,

"You know how you said it would go away? It hasn't gone away."

She immediately pulled away from him sighing,

"Alex, that is really, _not_ what I want to hear right now," and started to walk away.

But she only made it three steps before turning to face him again.

She took a step towards him and hesitated. She bit her lip.

Then two more steps and she was in front of him and her hands were on his face and she was kissing him. Softly, cautiously, kissing him. And he was wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her closer.

And she was actually letting him.

* * *

And... Now you all hate me for withholding Addisex. Well, would you rather have a cliff hanger now or a long juicy chapter later? And since I'm about to start exams, we're talking MUCH later.

Anyway, I kind of undermined the symbolic end to needyness (destruction of the orchid) what with having Addison clinging on to Alex and all. But at least she did not jump on Mark the second he declared his love. No. She saved that for Alex. This may lead to complicatedness in future. Although I would like to see Addison get a little stronger. I'll have to see what I can do. Perhaps the destruction of the orchid can symbolize a conscious decision to embark upon a journey towards less needyness, more self reliance, more letting emotions out in a healthy controled manner and less botting them up until they explode in a sobbing fit and cause Alex to worry that you are going to pass out. I'll have to see what I can do.

Next time: It's a surprise. I will probably be wrapping up it up with two more chapters and an epilogue if all goes according to plan.


	19. Yes or No?

I'm baaaack.

Sorry for the delay. Exams. And then I felt it necessary to sit Shiva for team Canada for a couple of days. That's twice we've been robbed by a CONCACAF official. I'm not saying we would have won had the goal been allowed, I'm just saying it sucks that it wasn't. Also, I did feel some momentum shifting towards the end of the game. And how much would that have sucked for Landon Donovan if Canada had won in extra time? Anywho, no one knows what I'm talking about because Yanks have very little appreciation for The Beautiful Game. You like that other Football. The one where no one uses their feet. You also like that game where everyone stands around in a peculiarly shaped field waiting for a man to hit a ball with a stick. Can't remember what it's called right now. Yeah, I'm not much of a sports fan in case you couldn't tell. But I have been known to weep like a middle aged European man over "soccer".

So, here's the story:

Oh, just a warning, in case you're opposed to reading scenes of a sexual nature... Well, that's what I wrote. I'm hoping it's tasteful. Pretty much if you were okay with PRAM!SEX (that's "prom sex" for those of you who speak English) you'll be down with this. Oh, who am I kidding? As if anyone could ever be against Addisex.

**Chapter Eighteen: Yes or No?**

_Mmm. Bad... Bad idea. What am I doing?_

Addison parted her lips and let his tongue slide over hers.

_I'm kissing Alex._

She wound her arms around his neck and let him pull her closer.

_Okay then._

His hands were on her waist now, inside that ridiculous jacket she was still wearing. She could feel his entire body pressed against hers through the thin material of her dress.

And somehow she'd gotten backed up against a wall, which was a good thing because with Alex's mouth on hers the rocking of the boat seemed augmented and standing upright became difficult, but now she didn't have to worry about loosing her balance.

So she leaned into the wall and pulled him against her and his arms went around her waist, wrapping around her to draw her even closer. And she could feel him breathing against her. And her hands were tugging his shirt from the waistband of his pants and slipping inside to touch his warm skin. Running up his back and across his shoulders, fluttering over his ribs to his stomach where his muscles tightened under her fingers.

And he was still kissing her. Soft, searching kisses. Sliding his tongue along her bottom lip and into her mouth. Caressing, touching her tongue with his and sending shivers through her body.

And she could feel herself slipping away from reason, spiraling into a vague haze where all she felt was Alex's skin under her fingers and the scorching trail of his kisses down her throat and further... Down her chest as far as the fabric of her dress would stretch. And all she thought was,

_Mmmmmm._ _Ahhh. Alex._

And he was sliding the jacket down to her elbows and running his hands up her bare arms and showering kisses across her shoulders.

And then he was changing his mind and tugging the jacket back up and smoothing the lapels and tilting her chin to kiss across her cheeks and the bridge of her nose.

And then he was resting his forehead against hers, and they were both panting hard, chests brushing with every shallow gasp. And he was turning his head and whispering into her hair, nervous, breathless words,

"If we keep going like this, I'm not going to be able to stop."

And she was pressing her fingers into the back of his neck and putting her lips against his ear and whispering,

"Don't stop."

And,

_Oh God, what am I doing?_

She could feel him smiling against her skin as he kissed her temple. And then he was pressing kisses to her wrists, her palms, her fingertips and never taking his eyes of her. And she could see the barely concealed hope and genuine happiness smeared all over his face and,

_Oh, that can't be good. _

And something about Alex smiling at her like that tugged at the corners of her own mouth and made her want to laugh and cry and climb on top of him all at once. And her heart was hammering in her chest and there was a clamoring of alarms and sirens and warning signals inside her head, screaming _Run away! _

Because she _more_ than wanted this. She _needed_ Alex. And needing something that badly could not be good. That kind of sheer, dizzying need meant she was going somewhere she really didn't want to go. Not again. Not so soon.

And then it was all mixed messages and sensory overload and a fluttering in the pit of her stomach as Alex slid his hands up her skirt and dragged her panties down her legs. And as she stepped out of them it occurred to her that in less than a year she'd gone from discovering another woman's panties in her husband's pocket to leaving her own lying around in a very public place and,

_Oh my God, we're in public._

_Okay, time to..._

_Time to..._

_Time to shut up thinking._

Because Alex was kneeling in front of her, pressing kisses to her thighs and stomach through the fabric of her dress and running his hands up the backs of her legs. And her knees were going weak. And her hands were splayed against the wall behind her to keep her from crashing to the floor.

And she was just about gone. And she managed to get one leg around his waist and then the other and tucked her skirt out of the way before his mouth was on her neck and he was slipping inside of her.

Her head fell back against the wall at the first warm contact and a soft sigh escaped her lips. Her eyes slid from the strings of tiny yellow lights circling the nearby railings and across the water to the red and white glow of the Seattle skyline. Her arms went around Alex's neck and her face fell against the side of his head and the lights on the horizon blurred and faded away as her eyelids fluttered shut.

Afterwards they huddled side by side on the deck, backs against the wall. Alex had one arm around her waist, drawing her against his chest, and traced lazy patterns on her shoulder with the other. She had her head against his chest, breathing in the smell of him and waiting for her legs to stop shaking. A sense of bliss, a sweet fatigue, enveloped her and as her thoughts crept back into her head the first she idea she was conscious of was,

_Maybe it could feel like this all the time. This feels good and right and..._

_This feels like..._

_Oh, that can't be good._

A bubble of panic formed itself in her stomach and began to swell.

_Just relax. Deep breaths. You can do this._

She sucked air into her lungs, concentrated on breathing and on fighting the rising panic inside of her, concealing the physical signs of her internal struggle, the quickening of her pulse, the fidgeting, the sweaty palms. Alex's embrace suddenly felt too tight and she squirmed involuntarily in his arms. He pulled her closer to him and took a deep breath.

_Oh God, Alex. Please, don't say anything. Not yet._

Then, like a bucket of ice water down her spine,

"Did that mean something... or were you just using me?"

Her entire body tensed to the point where she knew he had felt it.

"I don't know."

Alex sighed.

"That's not good enough. You have to figure it out."

"It's hard."

"You have to do it anyway." His voice was gentle, but firm. "Even if it's hard. I'm not going to let you string me along anymore, Addison. No more mixed messages. You have to decide what you want from me, because I'm willing to take the chance that this can somehow workout, but only if you're willing to take that chance too. So 'I don't know' isn't good enough. It has to be a yes or a no."

"Right now?"

"Yes, right now. Yes or no?"

The bubble of panic inside her was threatening to burst.

And then from somewhere not very far off Mark's voice called,

"Addison, are you still out here?"

And then, before she knew what she was doing, she was standing up and slipping off his jacket and mumbling,

"I have to go," ignoring the hand he extended to her and refusing to meet his eyes.

The slap of her heels on the deck split the heavy silence like gunshots and she could feel Alex's eyes on her back as she walked away. She quickened her pace but didn't get far enough fast enough to escape hearing his angry sigh or the sound of his head bashing against the wall in frustration.

* * *

_(Ducks hurtling projectiles)_

Don't worry. I am going somewhere with this. I'm about to go to that place that Shonda calls "full circle". In a good way. I promise.

Also, there is only one chapter left! That means a resolution is coming.

**Next Time: Someone professes something... sort of. Can you guess who it is?**

**I will try to have the final chapter up in a couple of days **

**IN THE MEAN TIME: read my other fics.  
**

**I've been writing a lot of self-doubting, indecisive Addison lately, which is great for creating suspense and helping my story along, but I am starting to miss KICKASS Addison. So I wrote a oneshot. It's inspired by Addisex back in the old days (3.4. 3.5, 3.6ish**) **and it's pretty fraking awesome. Ther's a little (okay a lot of) porniness, a little Addison/Alex mentor/protege dynamic, and a few delightful little details like Addison's oppinion on open toed shoes sprinkled in there. It's called "Dirty and Sweet". I highly recommend it.**

**I also have another multichapter fic called "Fallling Apart" (crap title but give it a chance). Which is a KID!FIC (I give Derek and Addison a kid). Probably my least favorite genre ever but "Falling Apart" is actually that story that is closest to my heart. Yes, closer than "Draw the Line" even. I suggest you check it out if your into seeing characters (Addison in particular) struggle with guilt, obligation and balancing personal needs with the needs of your family. And I managed to make it _really_ angsty without raping, maiming or killing anyone! Actually at the moment it's just seven chapters of inner monologue and backstory from different POVs, but plot is comming and I'm very excited. Fans of Derk beware.**


	20. One Way or Another

You know you're obsessed with Grey's Anatomy when you can recognize Kate Walsh as the actress playing Ophelia in a teensy little black and white photo inside your edition of Hamlet even though her face is like the size of a skittle and she's in profile.

Actually, you know you're obsessed with Grey's Anatomy when coming across a teensy little black and white photo of Kate Walsh back in the day, in the middle of reading Shakespeare, actually causes you to squeal.

* * *

Chapter Twenty: One Way or Another

_Stupid. Stupid._

Addison paced her hotel room, twisted the hem of her robe in between her hands.

_What is wrong with me? Why do I keep hurting people?_

Alex's frustrated sigh echoed in her head.

Mark's broken voice,

_"You can't right now or you can't ever?"_

They hadn't spoken in the car.

He'd walked her to her room, silence hanging over them as the elevator ascended twenty-two floors, and hovered outside her door as she searched for her keys. She hadn't been able to meet his eyes.

As she finally got the door open he'd taken a deep breath and muttered,

"You're gonna have to give me some time to uh... get over you. I'll call you when I'm ready." Then he had turned and walked away, down the hall and towards the elevators.

She watched him go, watched her best friend walk away from her, and wondered if he'd go to his room first or straight to his car and then the nearest airport. Mark hated Seattle.

Swallowing the lump in her throat, she turned and entered her hotel room alone.

As soon as the door shut behind her a fresh wave of guilt washed over her as she thought of the person she would have to face tomorrow, thought of what she'd done to him.

_Alex._

She wearily peeled off her clothes and stepped into the shower, hoping to rinse off the physical evidence of her actions, hoping to wash away the oily coating of guilt that seemed to seep from her pores, hoping the pounding of the water against her skin would drive the sound of Alex's voice from her head.

But fifteen minutes later, though she'd scrubbed herself raw, she still felt anything but clean, and his words still echoed in her skull.

_"Did that mean something... or were you just using me?"_

It certainly must look like that was what she was doing.

_"I'm willing to take the chance that this can somehow work out, but only if you're willing to take that chance too."_

Addison sighed. To make a statement like that to his_ boss _was a huge risk on Alex's partand she'd responded by running away.

_Stupid._

No, it wasn't stupid. Behaviour like that went beyond stupid. To turn and walk away from the person who made you feel _like__that_, when he was laying himself on the line and saying all the right things, was nothing short of detestable, cringing cowardice. All Alex had asked for was an answer, one way or another, and she hadn't even been able to give him that.

And now, instead of attempting to fix her mistake, instead of giving Alex the least he deserved, she was wallowing in self-loathing and wearing holes in her carpet.

"This is pathetic." She spoke the words aloud, tossing them out to the empty room.

"Pathetic." Her steps slowed, dragging towards a halt.

"Pathetic." She stopped.

For a moment she stood in the center of her room, frozen, teetering between resuming her pacing and some other, undefined course of action. She drew a deep breath.

Then she crossed the floor to her closet, threw open the doors and snatched the first piece of clothing she laid eyes on, a black dress. She laid it on the bed and returned to the closet for an appropriate pair of shoes.

Five minutes later she was dressed and digging through her purse for her keys.

_This is insane. You don't even know where he lives._

Her fingers brushed metal.

Suddenly, there was a rapping on her door, three sharp knocks.

Keys in hand she pulled it open mumbling,

"Mark, I don't really have time to... Oh."

Alex stood in front of her, fists thrust deep into his pockets, eyebrows furrowed, glaring. And for some reason the first words out of her mouth were,

"Did you follow me home? Or how did you..."

"You didn't answer my question," Alex cut in.

She swallowed.

"Don't I get time to think about it?"

Alex sighed.

"You've _had_ time to think about it. Addison, you've had _weeks_ to think about it." He jammed his fists deeper into his pockets and continued in clipped tones. "So I get to have sex with you and he gets to drive you home afterwards and bring you coffee tomorrow and have lunch with you? Is that how you think this works?"

"Alex, can we please, _please_ not talk about Mark?"

"No. Listen to me. You let him act like your boyfriend and-"

"Stop."

"You let him act like your boyfriend and you think that because you're not sleeping together it's okay for you to have sex with-"

"Stop it."

"You think you can use me for sex and then he can be there to take care of you afterwards."

Addison snapped.

"Mark's leaving Seattle! Okay? So you don't have to be jealous. Happy? Do you feel better now?"

"I..." Alex shifted uneasily and glanced at the floor.

"You think I'm using you?" she continued in an angry whisper. "Do you think I enjoy this? Do you think I've enjoyed feeling guilty for the last three weeks every time I look at you? You're not the only one who's suffering here. I ask you to leave me alone and you come back and tell me that things haven't gone away and you expect me to have answers to all these complicated questions."

"They're not complicated questions,"

"Alex!" Addison's hands flew up in exasperation.

"It's not complicated," Alex insisted, softening his voice. "You're just over-thinking it." He took her hands out of the air and folded them in his own, surprised when she didn't pull away. "When we're together how does it feel?" he murmured. "Or this..."

He leaned in and pressed his lips to hers, felt her soften under his kiss. "How does this feel?" he whispered against her skin.

Addison pulled away from him breathing shakily. Her eyes rose to met his and she whispered softly,

"It feels like I'm falling in love with you."

Alex gulped.

"Then I think it's a hell of a waste if we don't at least give this thing a chance," he said, a little nervously.

A delicate smile tugged at the corner of Addison's mouth, despite her last, lingering uncertainties.

"What if I fuck it up?" she whispered.

Alex chuckled.

"Well it's already pretty fucked up. I doubt you could make it much worse."

"Not funny." Addison pursed her lips. "But I appreciate the optimism." She broke into an almost smile.

"Yeah, well I'm trying really hard here to get you to give me a chance here," Alex smiled. "Are we really going to have to go through the whole thing again? Because I'll do it. But I'm starting to wonder if I'm ever going to get through to you."

"I think you're starting to get through."

"Good," Alex sighed. "Because I would really like to actually make some progress here."

Addison suddenly found herself grinning like an idiot.

"Yeah, I'd like to make progress too."

"Well until just now, you didn't seem to want to."

Addison rolled her eyes.

"So, I guess I'm making progress."

"I guess you are." Alex took a step towards her and suddenly they were breathing the same air and he was toying with her fingers and neither was really meeting the other's eyes. "So, um..." he darted forward and pecked her on the cheek. "See you tomorrow?" He dropped her hand and took a step back.

Addison's jaw fell open.

"Don't you want to… Do you want a cup of coffee?"

Alex raised an eyebrow.

"You want to have coffee at two in the morning?"

Addison rolled her eyes a second time.

"Alex, I'm asking you to come inside. Offering you a glass of warm milk isn't an exceptionally sexy way to do that."

"You want to have sex?" Alex's eyebrows rumpled in confusion.

"No!" Addison sprang backwards involuntarily. "I mean, not necessarily. I want to spend some time with you... give this thing a chance... that kind of thing."

She tilted her head to the side and bit her lip.

Alex smiled.

"Oh. So is a kiss okay?"

Addison nodded.

"A kiss is okay."

THE END

(Except not really. There's an epilogue.)

* * *

Wow. That got really cute towards the end. I wasn't expecting that. Oh well. Anyway, I think this works better than if last chapter Addison had been like, "Well, last time I said no, but gosh, you just asked so nicely, I guess this time it's suddenly a yes."

Now how much would you have hated me if I'd had him going up in one elevator while she was going down in the other? Hahaha.

P.S. My family went to the beach. Without me. And they must have taken all the food with them because all I can find to eat is a box of Kavli, a low-fat, cholesterol-free crisp bread (oh joy!) made of whole rye flour, wheat bran, mixed cereals (oats, wheat, barley, rye, millet), water and salt. It's also made in Norway, which is a pretty good indication that it's going to be healthy and taste like cardboard. Anyway I'm feeling lonely and unloved.

Reviews would help with that.


	21. Epilogue

Epilogue:

Alex sighed contentedly and pulled Addison a little closer to him, curled his body around hers. She moved against him in her sleep, pressing her back into his chest and a soft sigh escaped her lips. Alex smiled.

They were so close. Addison's legs were tangled with his. Her hair was tickling his nose. She had one of his hands tangled in hers, resting somewhere near her mouth. He could feel her breath, warm against his fingers. He dropped a kiss to her shoulder blade and let his lips linger against her skin, breathing in the smell of her.

Minutes later he fell asleep with his arms around her and his face in her hair.

* * *

Now, who wants a sequel?

Because I have ideas.

Oh, and I would really apreciate it if people could tell me specific things they liked about the story. Favorite line, chapters, that sort of thing.

For example, my favorite chapter is chapter one. Which kind of suggests that the quality of this fic has gone down over time. Except chapter twenty is also my favorite chapter. Which kind of suggests that this fic is a bunch of crap bookended by two good chapters. Except that I also loved chapter ten. And the chapter where all the interns had lunch together. And the chapter where Mark takes Addison back to his apartement. Which suggests that my ego needs some serious deflating.

Click the review button and squash it down to normal proportions with constructive criticism. You will be helping to make the sequel better.

Cheers.

Magdelen.


End file.
